The weight of it all..

I kept busy all day today (actually Saturday!) My mind couldn't release that it was the 13th.. 6 months since Kierra was killed.. but I kept my body busy. Brianne had Hunter over night Friday, and after getting up at 4 am.. the twins slept in, so I got to too! We all got dressed up and went to the Mother & Child Banquet at Brianne's church.. we go every year. It was nice. Of course there was a woman at our table who said it was so sad to see the twins there without Kierra.. and couldn't help commenting that they could pass for my own children there was such a similarity and no one would have to know they weren't mine. I know she meant well. Most people do when they open their mouths and insert their feet..

Brianne & I moved some furniture out of storage and to a friend's house. We really can't afford to keep everything in storage much longer and I would rather someone get some use out of it all. Brianne is my little amazon.. she is stronger and much more of a help to me than Chad or Brian when it comes to moving things or getting things done! We make a pretty good team! Then she took the twins & Hunter to an event at the Zoo sponsored by her job at the hospital. She is keeping them overnight for church tomorrow and will bring them home in the evening. That was her Mother's Day gift to me.. it was so quiet I fell asleep on the couch! I woke up thinking I needed to check on the kids.. then realized they weren't here!

So I got up and went to bed. I layed down and thought I would just go back to sleep.. and then had the strangest sensation.. like someone layed a large sack of potatoes on top of me.. my head felt heavy.. my chest felt heavy, then my stomach and my legs. It was smothering.. I had to get up. All I could think of was.. the weight of it all was too much. The 13th, mother's day, court on Monday (another pre-trial), Kierra's birthday coming soon, is just too much. My mind flashing pictures of Kierra when she was born, when she was little, when she was a teenager, when she was pregnant, at Bri's wedding, with the babies, and the images my mind creates of her death.. it is all too much.. and there are truly times.. the weight of it all.. is smothering me and it is just too much..