Surfing the waves..

I have had such mixed emotions about the 13th of November, the 3rd anniversary of Kierra's death. I have not really posted much about it because it is a bit complicated to explain and I am not so sure how best to do that. Words on paper are mostly void of emotion, or perceived differently depending on the emotions of the reader. Although my emotions may be similar to yours, it is hard sometimes to convey them.
I did not go to the site of her accident this year. Brian put flowers there. I drive by it, but have not stopped there in a while. I don't think I intentionally avoid it, I just don't make a point of going there. I think of her and "see" her in so many other places, on so many other days than the day she died. I am not sure what meaning I want to give to that specific spot, so for now I give it none.
I also mentioned to a friend that I resented that day this year, but not just because of her death, I resent that every hour of every day. It has seemed as though, on most other days, people tend to tell me to not dwell on it, to try to move forward and not let it drag me down. To find a place to set my grief aside so I can enjoy my children, my friends, my life. I do try to do that. Yet on that day, the "anniversary" of her death, it is expected, almost encouraged, for me to give in to it. It is expected for me to be inconsolable and best left alone. Like one day is all I need to purge my sytem, to heal my heart. I know that is not how it is meant, but for some reason, that is how it felt. I am a control freak, yes, I know. So, to not have control of how I feel can be quite frustrating.
I have waves of emotion (as Nancy has described it for me) and I am not a good surfer! I had a hard time the day I had events at Tristan & Alexa's schools for Thanksgiving. I could not stop myself from crying when I was on my way to Tristan's Rodeo. I wanted her to be going, I wanted her to be the one they called Mommy and ran to when she walked in the door. I wanted her to be the one they showed off proudly to their classmates. I let it out and got through it with smiles for them, but it was hard. I did not expect the onslaught of emotion and could not stop it until my tears had run out.
Brian & I were heading to the movies to meet all the kids yesterday afternoon. We had a great day together. When we got in the truck a song by Gloria Estefan came on about "Until I had You, I didn't know I was missing out" I think it is "Christmas through your eyes" about her daughter. We both had to change the station and we talked about some of the hardest parts of missing her. It was like being hit by a 2X4. It knocks the breath out of you. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, we are powerless to stop it.
So I don't know how we will handle the rest of the Holidays. Of course we will celebrate and do things for the kids. They deserve to be happy and enjoy the whole Christmas thing. We will keep riding the waves and do our best to quickly reach the surface when one takes us under. We are becoming stronger swimmers, and someday I may be able to ride the waves and stay on the board. For now I have learned to just hold my breath and swim like hell!