Words & Wishes...

Okay, so I tried to "skip" yesterday. And guess what? It didn't work. I could not escape that it was a Sunday, the 13th of the month.. AND Mother's Day. As much as I tried to make it just another day, it refused to be. Hunter started things off on Saturday night at dinner when he asked me if Mother's day counts when one of your children dies? I told him it counts whenever, and however, someone becomes a Mom. He asked me if Kierra got to celebrate Mother's Day in Heaven? I told him I didn't know, but it would be nice to think she did. I got a little teary, and one of the ranch hands noticed and asked if I was allergic to the smoke in the air.. before I could answer, Hunter told her "No, my Mom just gets sad when we talk about my sister who died." He then told me to close my eyes and feel my heartbeat, she was right there, and that would make me happy again. I told him he was so strong and so smart, I was a very lucky Mom to have him for a son.
Just about then another woman came by and asked him if he was celebrating Mother's day with me. He said No, I am not a Mom, and I am trying to make my Forever Mom happy right now. She looked puzzled and said Forever Mom? He then went into a full speech about how he had a birth Mom who carried him in her tummy, then he went home from the hospital with his Nana & Pop-Pop which kind of made Nana his mom til he came to live with me and I loved him and became his Forever Mom, cause his Dad & me adopted him. Now he has lots of brothers & sisters who are more than his brothers and sisters except for one sister who died, which is why he was trying to make his Mom happy! I bet she was sorry she asked. His words blew me away. She asked him how he knew all that and he told her, my mom who is right here told me, she tells me the truth because she says you shouldn't lie. So I ask her things and she tells me. She told him he was very special and thanked him for sharing with her. He told her you are welcome, Happy Mother's Day tomorrow... if you have any kids or not!
Sunday morning everyone kept hugging me and telling me Happy Mother's Day. It drove me crazy. It was all I could do not to break down in tears. I tried to stonewall myself, think of something else.. I had no control. Hunter wasn't too keen on riding and I just wanted to get out of there, so we headed home thinking we might stop at Wild Adventures in Valdosta, only to find out the interstates (I-75 & I-10) were being closed on & off. So we took our time going the long way home and got in about 6 pm.
I did think of all my children yesterday and how lucky I am. I did think of the day each one of them were born, as well as the day Tristan & Alexa were born. It all replayed like a movie in my mind through out the day. I just can't stop the pain that clings so closely to the joy of it all. The pain of her death, the pain of knowing despite all my memories of being her Mother, her babies have little to no memory of her. How easy for others to say, don't think of it like that, try not to dwell on the negative. As if I can flip a switch and control it so easily. There are no words to describe the twists and turns of my emotions. No words to describe how out of control it makes me feel. No words that will ever bring her back to me, or to her children. So yes, I wish I could have just "skipped" yesterday, and so many other days..
But I couldn't, I can't, so I don't..... but that doesn't stop me from wishing....