The Other Side of Fear

(From yesterday, Friday, Jan. 12)
I noticed a girl at the gas station today. At first I thought “Kierra was that girl“.. That age, that look. Then I thought.. “ Hell, I was that girl, once upon a time.” I thought of Kierra’s life. The places she’d been, things she had done. I thought of my life, the same places, same things. I thought of all she didn’t get to do. I thought of all the things I won’t do with her. I saw a bridal magazine at the grocery store, and I thought of the gazebo in Tennessee all covered with flowers. I don’t call upon these thoughts, and I don’t sit for hours dwelling on them.. It is a flash of a second, beyond my control.
When I saw that girl at the gas station I don’t know what it was that triggered the thoughts of Kierra. I see young women all the time and don‘t always think of her. It just happens at random times. I watched the girl drive away and I thought.. Be safe, be happy.
Then I think… hmm, happy, what is that? I wonder sometimes when the other shoe will drop. Quite the pessimist aren’t I? I wonder when something bad will happen again. Don’t say it won’t.. you don’t know that. My life was good, things were going well, we were happy. And in a blink of an eye it changed. Things are busy, sometimes overwhelming. But even with all the moving, Tristan’s surgery, all the everyday chaos.. Things are at a level of good. See, I feel guilty saying that. I am afraid. I look out at an uncertain world. I know that is what life is. I know that it is the same for everyone, everywhere. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. When I was that young girl I saw today, I was afraid. I was uncertain of my life and what was ahead of me. Now here I am, having lived through love, life, loss, and still I am afraid. But the difference is.. Now I know on the other side of fear is courage. Courage to live, love, and sometimes lose the ones you love. I can’t say it has made me stronger, but it has shown me I do have strength, and the courage to face tomorrow. My fear will not consume me, my courage will consume my fear.