Darkness and Light..

As the first moments of this day dawned I sat at the spot where my child lost her life a year ago. I put a new sign up at the spot where she died. I was cold, alone, and empty. I fear that is how she was on that horrible day. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that. I came home after a while and I climbed in to bed hugging her stuffed monkey to my chest. I fell asleep with my tears running down my face. I dreamt in bits and pieces and slept the same. I felt Brian get into bed next to me when he came home in the middle of the night and I felt him hold me close, and I felt the tears still on my face. I couldn't turn to him and I couldn't speak, I let my dreams take me away again. I woke some time later with my head pounding and my eyes sore and puffy. I got up and went out to the couch, put a hot compress across my face and fell back to sleep. I woke in the wee hours after one of the good dreams and dragged myself into the reality of what today is.. the reminder of the worst day of my life.

I got the kids up and all out the door. Then came back home, thought about going back to bed but couldn't do it. I ended up taking out all my kitchen drawers, fixing the ones that were starting to fall apart, and went through everything and made a goodie bag for Bri of all the gadgets and utensils I don't use or need. Brian and I spent a little time together before he had to go to work for mandatory OT from 3p-2a. I picked Hunter up from school and decided he & I should go to a movie, so we saw Santa Clause 3. Not bad, it was a distraction and gave me some one on one with him. Then we picked up Tristan & Alexa, came home, got everyone ready for bed and they are settling down for the night. This day is finally almost over.

I found myself not wanting to give this day too much merit. Not wanting the grief and anger of this day to overshadow her life. I did not miss her more today than the other 364 days that have passed. I did not think of her more than I do every day since then. So why would I allow today to have more meaning than all the other days. She was stolen from me, she was ripped from my life. That is no less true on any other day. It signifies a total, a finite number for an infinite amount of pain and loss. So why do we do that? Why do we give power to something so awful? The 13th of every month has sucked for me, but so have many other days. It isn't in memory of her that I mourn for her. So I will use this day as a renewal of my wish to celebrate her, to remember what was bright and beautiful in her. I will try to keep the shadows at bay. I know they will still come and some times I will invite them. But I will see more of the sun and I will try to let it's warmth fend off the cold, dark gray of my grief. Even now as the dark surrounds me, I close my eyes, I see her smile, and all around her I see the light..