I think back to that Sunday, November 13th, and what a beautiful day it began to be. Hunter & I went out on the water in a Kayak and were joined by a single, playful dolphin for several minutes, and then it swam into the bayway and was gone. I thought it was unusual there was only one. Of course later I thought that single dolphin may have been Kierra saying goodbye to us in a way she knew we would cherish forever.
She loved Dolphins, and it still strikes me odd that throughout her life I could sense when things were "wrong" with her. When she had trouble at school, when she would get hurt, when things in her life were not going well, even knowing she was pregnant before she told me. She always asked how I knew things like that. I told her my grandmother and my mother were the same way. It must be a connection we share. But on that terrible day, I did not sense my child's death, I did not sense her leaving this world when I had been able to sense such trivial things throughout her entire life. I have been told by more than one person it is because she did not want me to sense it and did not want to bring me pain when I was far from home and with Hunter. That is why she came to us as the Dolphin. I have some belief in things beyond our human existence, but the thought still comes to me that I should have known, I should have sensed it.
These are the thoughts that come to me at night when I am alone and the world is silent. These and so many other thoughts I can not hold at bay any longer as each day ends. There are times during the day that things strike me, but I can usually move forward to other things, distractions which demand my mental attention, even if it is just long enough to ward off the endless emotional well I feel myself falling into from time to time. Even on nights when I am not bombarded by my mind & memories, I still can not sleep. If I am lucky I sleep from 1-3 am or 2-4 am. Some nights I am up til 4 am and get to sleep til 7am. I do try to sleep, it just will not come. Or the kids wake me up and I can't get back to sleep.
I am reading a book.. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It is about her experience with Grief from the loss of her husband and the illness ( and I think eventual death) of her daughter. She has done research of other books about grief and the physiological changes it causes. Memory lapse, insomnia, muddled thinking, poor rationalization, & manic depression are just a few. It helps to know it is not just me losing my mind.
It quotes a book on etiquette from Emily Post 1922... anyone over emotional or over dramatic should be barred from the bereaved for as long as necessary as to not further upset the emotional state of the bereaved person(s). To some degree, I agree, although that would cut out half the people I know between friends & family! I expect people to be upset. I expect people to cry. I understand they all have their own relationship with Kierra to grieve for. I know the people in my life well enough to know who is sincere and who is more involved with the drama and attention of it all. There are very few who can truly "know how I feel". My own husband has a different grief than mine. He is the closest person who can truly know how I feel. I appreciate how everyone feels and know this is a hard thing to know how to deal with. Most of the time people don't know what to say, so they stay away and don't say anything. Those who know me well know that words are not necessary.
We are trying to get our lives back "on track", to some state of "normal". I don't know what that will be like or how long it will take. We take each day as it comes. And so it goes...
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