I see..

I see a Mother..

learning about the child within,

yearning for the life about to begin.

I see a Mother..

knowing this love is like no other,

growing from a woman to a mother.

I see a Mother..

trying to face the worst of her fears,

crying her unconsolable tears.

I see.. myself.

Kierra Newborn & 3 months

Kierra Newborn & 3 months
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I was so young. Kierra saved me, in so many unexplainable ways. I could bear the pain of her birth a thousand times and not come close to how this pain of her death wears on me, tears me down, makes the simplest of tasks an unsurmountable hurdle. I go through the motions of each day, some harder than others, some easier. All without Kierra..and it F~ ing sucks!

Life Ain't Always Beautiful..

My SISTER-in-law, Lisa, sent this to me in an e-mail,

Genre/Lang. : Country Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down,
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful:
You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road,
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger,
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life aint always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life aint always beautiful:
Some days, I miss your smile.
I get tired of walkin' all,
These lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute,
I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
But life dont work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger,
And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
But I know I'll be fine.
Hey, life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005

Moms & Daughters June 5 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

The Bride & the Ring Bearer

The Bride & the Ring Bearer
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hunter got out of his tuxedo pretty quick, but was still the Bride's "little man"!

Mother and The Bride

Mother and The Bride
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

One year ago today.. now the Bride is about to become a mother and the mother is about to become Gramma!! Amazing how life transforms us!

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..

Britt & Tommy, The Day before their wedding..
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

At Brianne's reception..One of my favorites of them.. They got married the day after Brianne & Justin,, what a weekend that was!

What a beautiful Bride!

bri 8 x 10
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

We are so proud of her..

Family Joke.. they got me!

funny 3
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Notice "Angelic" Kierra acting all innocent!

Brianne with Justin

Brianne's Wedding 06-04-05 Greg's 083
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Of all the pix, this is one of my favorites of them together. She is taking a breath, closing her eyes..leaning against him.. they are man & wife..

Always my Baby Girl

after 16
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

No matter how old she gets.. (or how tall!) She will always be my baby girl!

Proud Daddy, Beautiful Baby..

8 X 10 bw
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They danced to "Baby Mine" by Bette Midler at the reception.. we all cried!

A year ago today..

prep 8
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Hard to believe so much time has gone by.. What beautiful girls!
This was at Terri's, ready to go to the Castle!

My Hamster Wheel..

My hamster wheel is on autopilot. I just keep running and running and don't care where I go. I am busy with Shelia's wedding, which I love doing! I am busy with JACKPOTT and multiple projects through them. And as always I am busy with the kids and the house. I think I am trying to convince myself that if I stay super busy the next week will be easier.. don't I know better yet?! Be forewarned the blog for the next week or so may be pretty depressing.

I keep dreaming that I am pregnant with Kierra. I feel the first flutters of movement, and then the rolling and kicking she did the last few months before she was born. In my dream I rest my hands on my stomach full of life.. then in a flash it's gone, she is gone and I am laying there all alone. I know it is because her birthday is Friday. Yet knowing why doesn't lessen the unimaginable grief I feel as fresh and new as the day she was taken from us. So no matter how busy I make my waking hours, my mind does as it wishes with me in my sleep. As much as I focus on the good and the happy, how much I try to remember her laugh and her smile.. in my slumber I can not hold back the pain or the tears, nor can I stop the flood of emotion my dreams create. So I sleep as little as possible and when I am awakened by the pain of my grief, I don't allow myself to go back to sleep, to go back to that dark world where I am all alone and no one can help me, where no one can stop the dreams or the pain. Yes, I am tired, some days exhausted, but I can handle tired, I can handle exhausted.. I can't always handle the pain..

Remember the good..

Just last week I got a phone call from Jessie Miller ( she is Jessie Aquino now, expecting her 2nd child.. but she will always be Jessie MIller to me!) because she had just seen one of the blogs about Kierra and didn't know what had happened. I tried to reach her in November, but we had been out of touch and none of the info I had was any good. I think she & Kierra were about 6 or 7 years old when they met. We lived across from each other in base housing in New York. They were fast friends. It was very hard for them when it was time for our families to move on to another Air Force base. Then when we were in England they moved across from us again! They were inseperable. Which made it even harder when it was time to move again. They always kept in touch until they drifted apart the past couple years. It was and still is a shock for Jessie and her family. I know how fresh the pain still feels for me even after all these months. I keep telling her to hold onto the good. There are so many memories to enjoy. There are always tears, but don't let them take over and wash away the happiness and laughter. Kierra's laugh was infectious, I can still hear it... so remember that.. and so much more.

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005

This was a photo taken when the twins were 18 months old. Kierra & I decided not to get it then because there wasn't a good one of Tristan to go with it. The photo place holds the negatives for 12 months, so I reviewed them all recently and decided this was too good not to keep!

Lexie 18 months Aug. 2005
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Twins 6 2 2006

Twins 6 2 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Today at the zoo's splash and play area. Tristan runs right through the water, but Lexie tip toes and won't get soaked! They are water babies.. we will have to set up the pool this weekend. I was worried taking all 3 by myself, but they did great. I refuse to stay home and stare at 4 walls all day!

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006

Pre-K Grad May 15, 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Our little man..

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006

Twins Swimsuit 4 7 2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

They caught this pic just as they both were jumping out of the boat, they refused to do the surfboard!

Easter All Three 4/7/2006

Easter All Three 4/7/2006
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

I forgot to post this and some other pix, don't forget to click on any photo and view the whole photo gallery, there are lots more pix!
(Alexa's hair was so pretty before they got running around and playing before this picture got taken!)