Life Without Kierra

Photographs & Memories

2011-08-07T04:13:00.003-04:00

Alexa reminded me this week that there are things I cannot give them. True memories are something you have, not something someone can tell you. They know what we have told them of their mother. I don't have any way of knowing what they can truly remember of her themselves.
Alexa was Prom Queen at camp on Friday. They had a prom type dance & she brought a fancy dress to wear to it. When I picked her up she said she was the Prom Queen because she had the prettiest dress & everyone loved her.. just like Mommy Kierra. She loves looking at photos of her mother. She especially likes the ones from Brianne's wedding & Kie's prom pix from high school. I see so much of her in them. I try to give them my memories. I tell them about her childhood & how much she loved them. It is like telling them a story, a fairy tale. Sometimes it seems that way to me too. But mine always turns into a horror story. One with a very unhappy ending. I so want to shield them from that. From the grief of her death. I worry how they will comprehend that loss as they get older. I worry so much for their happiness. I will make every effort to bring her joy into their lives. To bring her laughter into my memories & stories of her. Her life was so much greater than her death. It is hard sometimes to remember that, to over ride the grief with the good memories we have. After almost 6 years of having her gone, the 24 years she was here seems to fade sometimes. I want it to burn bright, to shine above the rest. I know I will never foget her. I just don't always know how to help her children remember...

That is enough for me!

2011-07-25T23:13:00.003-04:00

I was talking to someone tonight about why I am the person I am. That is such a huge thing to summarize in words. Everything & Everyone in my entire life prior to this moment made me who I am at this moment. Good, bad & indifferent. Who I am now includes lists of pros & cons. But that's a whole other blog post to think about! The main subject of tonight's conversation was why I help people/animals/organizations.. what's in it for me?
I tried to step back & really think about it. The first reactive response is "because it is the right thing to do". Well, duh! But what gave me the gauge to measure it by? How did I come to feel the need to help anyone/anything beyond my immediate family & friends? I have helped complete strangers on the street because I saw a need. I have saved difficult to deal with animals because I felt they needed to be saved. Why? Why bother?
The answer that my heart gave me was "because my Grammy would be proud of me". Because my Grammy did more than just tell me how to behave & the right things to do. She showed me with her generous heart & giving nature. She showed me with her actions what values & morals were. I have not always lived up to her expectations, but she loved me anyway. So I don't do things for repayment or even acknowledgement. I do them because I know it would make my Grammy proud.
My love for animals wasn't shared by my Grammy. She would tolerate them in our lives, but rarely in her house! My Nana was the spoiler of her pets. She would take in & feed anything & everything. And I brought plenty of things home when I spent summers & weekends at her house! Her friends had animals they spoiled too & I always felt all animals deserved to be loved & cared for like that. So the rescuer part of me likes to think my Nana is proud of me too!
I enjoyed thinking of both my grandmother's tonight. I love them dearly & miss them more than words can say. I hope I am living a life that would make them proud. I know they loved me no matter what.. & that is enough for me!

It's 3 am

2011-07-08T03:36:00.003-04:00

It's 3am, do you know where your children are?

I wonder about Kierra & the whole "Heaven" thing. I obviously still have some faith left or I wouldn't bother to capitalize the word! She has seemed more "present" to me lately. I know part of that is because Brian & I were married 28 years ago on July 1st. I typed celebrated, then changed it. It still is not possible to celebrate a day that included her so completely that her absence now makes it painful to even think about. I love Brian. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. I will cherish it always. I can not remember the joy of that day with him & Kierra without the grief stealing it away & replacing it with the pain of her death. I have tried all the well intentioned suggestions to remember the good.. & I do. I can not control that pain, I can not prevent it or I would. It is like a lightening strike. I know the storm is coming, but can't find shelter from the rain...

Brianne is home with her husband & infant son, Daniel. He will be 4 months old on the 9th. What a precious gift he is! Such a good natured boy.. most of the time! Brianne has been back to work for several weeks now & I have been watching Daniel. She came over tonight to help me with a project. She has grown into an awesome woman & such a good mommy. I am beyond proud of her! I wish for an easier life for her. I wish her the peace of good health & a happier life. I see a light in her eyes with Daniel that has been missing..

Chad is in Afghanistan. It is almost mid day for him while it is the middle of the night for me. We have communicated more since he deployed than we have in the entire year prior. I am grateful for that. I send him boxes of anything I can think of that he may want or need. At least the things I can fit in a box. Other things I can not give him & worry he will not have the peace of mind he needs to do his job safely there. I guess it is my job as his mother to worry..

Hunter will be getting up in a few hours for his last day of surf camp. I am going to watch him in the afternoon. I have missed him this week. I want him to have as many good memories as possible to balance out all the loss he has suffered in his 10 years & all the struggles he has ahead of him. I hope he is having sweet dreams..

Tristan & Alexa are all snug in their beds. They will be up early for day camp. I wonder constantly what Kierra would want for them. I see so much of her in them, yet they have such distinct personalities all their own. I could not have imagined 5 years ago what they would be like today. I can't think 5 years ahead to who they will be then..

Chicken Cheese Casserole

2011-06-28T18:01:00.001-04:00

3-4 cups cooked chicken, chopped (I like a lot of chicken so I use 4 cups)
2 cups chopped baby asparagus, chopped (1 bunch, cut stalk down about 1/2 way)
2 cups baby Portabello Mushrooms, chopped (8oz pkg, I didn’t use stems)
2 tbls butter & 1 tbls olive oil
__________________________________________________________________
¼ cup butter
¼ cup flour
1 clove garlic, minced
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup chicken broth
1 cup milk
¼ cup onion, minced
½ teaspoon dried basil
¼ teaspoon dried Oregano
A pinch of black pepper
1 cup (8oz) Mozzarella cheese, grated
½ cup parmesan cheese (1/4 cup for sauce, ¼ cup for top)
___________________________________________________________________
1 cup ricotta cheese (I sometimes mix in a little mozzarella &/or parmesan with it for extra flavor)

In large sauté pan heat butter & olive oil, add chopped asparagus & mushrooms. Saute on Medium High heat for about 4 minutes., set aside with cooked chicken.

In large saucepan melt ¼ cup butter (1/2 stick). Add ¼ flour, garlic & salt. Whisk until smooth. Let cook for a minute or two until bubbly. Add chicken broth & milk to pan, stirring constantly for about 3-4 minutes until it starts to thicken. Then add onion, basil, oregano, pepper, ¼ cup of the parmesan cheese, & the mozzarella cheese. Stir until the cheese melts. Add chicken & vegetables to sauce. Stir well until everything is combined.

In a casserole dish (4 quart or 13 x 9 x 2) pour half of the mixture. Top with dollops of the ricotta cheese, try to distribute evenly but does not have to be perfect. Top with the rest of the chicken mixture. Sprinkle the remaining ¼ cup of parmesan cheese on top.

Cook in a preheated 350 degree oven for about 30-40 minutes until hot & bubbly. Let cool about 15 minutes before serving.

Moving on.. or not

2011-06-06T23:07:00.000-04:00

I am working hard to help Hunter with his grief. He has so many rampant emotions that I want to help ease what I can for him. This Thursday would have been, should have been, Kierra's 30th birthday. We have done different things to commemorate/celebrate June 9th over the 5+ years since her death. I have gotten varying opinions from his therapist & mine on how best to ease the grief this day brings to us.
Hunter is affected quite differently than the twins. They have almost no memories of her. They were too young to have the emotional impact that Hunter has. I keep hearing that it gets easier over time, I am still waiting! Thursday is also the last day of school for the kiddos. The tentative game plan is to let Hunter stay home & have a Mom & Dad day. Tristan & Alexa don't want to miss their parties at school. I am glad they can enjoy the day. Kierra would want that for them too. I want to give Hunter the ability to enjoy the day in some way, although I want him to be able to acknowledge his sadness too.
My practical self thinks I am handling this all quite well. Yet my emotional self is rolling her eyes even as I type this. I have taken months to get the house in order after a betrayal of someone I thought was a dear friend. I got the bed back upstairs & put clean sheets on it. Kierra's fairy sheets & her purple & white quilt. Why those? Because it makes me feel close to her. It continues to include her as part of our home. That may seem silly to you, & at times even seems silly to me.. but it is what it is. The effects of grief can often make no sense at all. Our hearts over ride our minds more often than not.
I hear all about "moving on", but am not sure what that really means! I wake up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Most days are busy & I can claim them as good days. There are moments that still catch me. Things that bring on the rain & make my heart ache. My heart doesn't bleed as much as it used to, but I know the part of it that was ripped out when she died will never really heal. Moving forward may not be the same as moving on, but for now it's the best I can do!

Facebook Fiasco!

2011-04-05T19:51:00.002-04:00

I went online today to update the status of a dog I am fostering. I got a message when I tried to sign onto my facebook that suprised me. My account as been disabled because it was reported that I am not who I say I am. I had to laugh because beyond the fact I use my real name, etc.. I am brutally honest about myself. I share alot about myself. Sometimes it is alot about nothing, other times it is more than most people want to know. So I find it ironic to be questioned about provng myself. I did the steps required, just have to wait for them to get to it. I look forward to finding out who did it. Once I am verified they will tell me who, when, what was reported etc. Obviously the person had nothing better to do & doesn't know me very well at all. Most likely someone I have aleady cut out of my life. Which will just confirm I was right to do so.
In the meantime I have a room to paint. Now that we have our home back to just our family we have been rearranging the rooms back to normal, cleaning & painting as I go. It feels good. For those who don't facebook.. I have a 2 year old neutered male Pug who needs a home ASAP. Contact me if you are interested!

The simple life..

2011-02-28T16:37:00.003-05:00

I remember a time when life was so much simpler. I remember a time when distance made the heart grow fonder & so many things in life were free! Now gas prices are higher than ever before & the cost of living life in this day & age has an expensive pricetag emotionally & financially. A price too high at times.
I think back to when my older children were very young. We survived on alot less money than we have now, of course, we lived simpler then too. We have a home now after so many years of renting while Brian was in the Air Force. We have so much more now than we had back then. But is that really a good thing? Now with the failing economy, and all that goes with that, we struggle to survive.
I am considering going to school in the fall. I am thinking of going to Culinary School. I want to have a catering business or a small cafe at some point. Some education to back that up will help alot. It takes more than just liking to cook to make it a business. I keep thinking of what I could do that I would really enjoy doing. That is top of my list. I am not sure if that is a realistic goal or not. I think part of it is needing to take control of my life again rather than just navigating the rapids as I float down the river.
I am not sure there is a way to make our lives simpler, but I have to have hope it will get better.

You never really know someone..

2011-02-24T13:57:00.003-05:00

I wish I could get inside people's heads so I could figure out what the hell they are thinking! So I could make their brain work & help them understand that they just aren't getting what I am trying to do/say.
My hubby says I give too much, do too much. Maybe I do. He feels I don't get enough consideration/ appreciation for my time & trouble. There are times I don't. Getting something back isn't why I do it. I thought I was helping someone out of a bad situation. I thought they wanted a better life, a place of their own. But I am getting burned out. I don't have the energy to constantly make someone else feel better. I can't help someone who won't help themselves.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have dinner fixed for me once in a while. I wonder what it would be like to be invited out to do something I like to do & have them actually pay for a change. It isn't just about that, there is so much more. It is about simple consideration.
But it gets turned around & twisted. We don't care, we don't understand. We are pushing them out when they thought this was a "forever" situation. They hear what they want to hear & hear nothing else. It is hurtful to give so much, to care so much & have it thrown aside so callously. Like a child's temper tantrum when they throw & break their toys. If we didn't care we wouldn't have opened our home, rearranged our children & home to accomodate them.
Yet none of that counts, providing everything for them has meant nothing. To feel used up & thrown aside isn't new to me, it's just been a long time since I let someone get close enough to do that to me. To feel like I was a means to an end, to be drained and turned into the bad guy really sucks. I didn't think it would become such a negative situation.
It will be a very long time before I help someone again. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. I have several routes to choose from!

For Brian.. Jes Voux Aime' Beaucoup

2011-02-13T10:19:00.004-05:00

I came accross one of many journals I have kept over the years. There were entries from when Brian was deployed with Desert Storm. I had to fly from England to St. Petersburg, FL with the 3 older kiddos who were 11, 8, & 6 at the time. It was a 16 hour series of flights. All I could think of despite all the traveling & chaos was "Brian will be at the other end." That was Oct. 25, 1992. Here are a couple short poems I wrote for him while we were on our way..

On wings of air I am carried to you,
floating amoung clouds so blue.

My pulse quickens, my heart's a flutter,
the words rush out, all in a stutter.

How to express something so deep,
to give you my heart & soul to keep.

You are my life, my precious lover,
come to me now, I want no other.

_________________________________________

The ache..
so deep
so pure
It's physical

The need..
so great
so pure
It's physical

The love..
so strong
so pure
It's yours..

mjs 10/25/1992

Don't Make Me Come Up There..

2011-02-10T08:47:00.001-05:00

I remember like it was yesterday
Saying the things we always say
Laughs & giggles, time for bed
Hearing noises over my head

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

You stomping up the stairs
Slamming doors without a care
Wishing you would lose that frown
Hoping you would settle down

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Watching you sprout your wings
Packing up all your things
Going out on your own
Living so far from home

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Wish you were still up in your room
Your life ended way too soon
I remember like it was yesterday
Heaven is just too far away

Don’t make me come up there
I’m counting to three
Don’t make me come up there
I will, you wait & see

Mjs 2/10/11

Corn Chowder

2011-02-07T16:31:00.002-05:00

I am creating this recipe based on what I had available to make it today. I don't have a set recipe for this. You can use the basic recipe for this to make clam chowder or fish chowder instead of corn chowder.

*28 oz potatoes (sunrise medley with white, red, & purple potatoes)cut into small bite size pieces. (Can also use 6-8 regular potatoes, cut up)
*1/2 cup minced sweet onion
*8 strips bacon chopped up into small pieces

Boil above items in large pan (dutch oven works well) for about 30-45 minutes, until potatoes are cooked. Just cover with water, don't overfill.

Add
*1 can of evaporated milk
*1 stick of butter
*1 can of whole kernel corn with water, do not drain
*2 cans of cream style corn
(if you don't have cream style corn you can use 3 whole kernel & add 1 pkg of instant potatoes to thicken the chowder)
*Use salt & pepper to taste. I use Morton's Nature's Seasoning which also has garlic in it.

Let simmer for 15-20 minutes.

You can tweek this to your own preferences. Sometimes I add green onion when ready to simmer it instead of regular onion at the beginning.

Life is a theatre..

2011-01-18T22:14:00.003-05:00

Invite your Audience CAREFULLY!
Not everyone is emotionally healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in our lives who are best loved at a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, pointless relationships & friendships.
Consider your current relationships. Pay attention who lifts & who leans, who encourages & who discourages, who is on a path of growth & who is going down fast. When you leave certain people, do you feel better or worse? Who is always at the center of drama?
Seek quality in those you keep close to you. Seek honorable people to surround yourself with. The more you seek growth, peace of mind, love & truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT row of your life, and who should be moved to the balcony.
You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you are around!

I saw this in an old newspaper clipping taped to a wall today. I had to copy it down, had to save it to read, and then reread again. I am sharing it because I think now, more than ever I have to make some decisions about my life. How much I give of myself & how much I need to reevaluate who I give myself to. I can only help those who are willing to help themselves. I need to realize I can't make others think or make choices if they can't or won't think or choose for themselves. Then I need to stop beating myself up because I can't do more or fix everything for everyone. I have a rough road ahead the next few weeks. I need my emotional energy to heal myself, to recover & regain my strength. I cannot afford to be constantly drained. Now if I repeat that 100 times I might remember it!

Deer Beer Chili

2011-01-17T10:46:00.002-05:00

1-2 lbs. ground venison

1-2 lbs. deer sausage (spicy is best!)

1 med. onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, crushed or minced

2 green chilies, minced (if you aren't using spicy sausage meat)

1 tbsp. oil (I prefer olive oil)

1 beef bouillon cube (or 1 tsp granules)

3 tsp. cumin

1 tbsp. chili powder (2 if you aren't using the spicy sausage)

1/2 tsp. dry mustard

1 large can tomato sauce

1 large can beans, whatever your preference.

2 (12 oz.) cans diced tomatoes (I use the ones with garlic, basil & oregano, Hunts)

1 (12 oz.) can or bottle of beer ( I prefer to use Sam Adams Lager)

Brown ground deer meat and sausage in 1 tbsp oil. When almost done add onions, garlic (& green chiles).

Then add rest of ingredients. Simmer, covered for 2 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.

Simmer another 30 minutes without stirring. Can also be made in crockpot on low for 3-4 hours. Even better the next day! Great over rice.

Another New Year..

2011-01-16T11:10:00.004-05:00

Last year was turbulent, moreso than most I guess. Alot of loss, news both bad & good. Changes both bad & good. I like to think it all balances out. I try not to keep a score card. I try not to think or dwell on the things I cannot change.
Met Chad's wife & her youngest son for Christmas. It was a good Holiday. I took the kiddos to North Carolina for a winter getaway, just me & them. (http://imagination-place.com/Hemlock'sEscape/HemlocksEscape.html) Might be my new retreat since horse back riding isn't going to be something I can do much anymore. That was another big adjustment. I still have all three horses, but will be looking to place my boys.
Brianne is due March 14th. Blue is the color of the day! So happy for her & Justin. I have her baby shower coming up February 19th. Trying to get things set for that before my surgery this week, the 20th.
I worked for several months, but it was a small business with a wife who had too much time on her hands & not enough sanity. Glad to be out of that situation!
Hunter turned 10 December 22nd & the twins will be 7 on Feb. 4th. Spring will be here soon. I am looking forward to some renewal, some sunshine & flowers. So starts the beginning of another new year..

Slow Cooker Chicken- Creamy, & Easy

2011-01-16T10:23:00.003-05:00

1 lb boneless chicken thighs
1-1.5 boneless chicken breast, cut in half
2 jars sun dried tomato alfredo sauce
2 pkgs fresh portobello mushrooms, sliced

2- 8oz pks cream cheese, cubed

Egg noodles or Rice to go with it.

Put the chicken in a 4 quart or larger slow cooker/crockpot. Pour 1 jar of sauce over the chicken, cover with all the fresh mushrooms, pour 2nd jar of sauce over everything. Cover & cook on low for 5-7 hours. Add the cubed cream cheese over the top for the last hour of cooking. When done, stir well & serve, Enjoy!

Sausage Cornbread Stuffing

2010-12-30T17:22:00.005-05:00

1 16oz pkg Cornbread Stuffing
1 16oz pkg Herb Seasoned Stuffing
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 1/2 sticks butter (12 TBSP)
2 16 oz pkg Sage Seasoned Pork Sausage
1 cup chopped Celery
1/2 cup choped Sweet Onion
1/2 palmful Poultry Seasoning
1/2 palmful Rubbed Sage Seasoning

Brown sausage, celery, onion, & seasonings in pan together, In a seperate pan heat broth & butter. In a very large bowl combine the cornbread & herb seasoned stuffing mixes. Add the sausage mixture to the dry stuffings & mix well. Then add broth & butter to that & quickly mix until all liquid is absorbed & distrubuted.
This can be used to stuff turkey or chickens, baked seperately or frozen & baked later. This makes a huge amount, but the amounts can be cut in half to make a smaller amount. If you make it ahead you may want to add a bit more broth before baking.
*Optional: add Durkee Fried Onions to the top before baking.

(Posting this for my daughter-in-law Heide, I will update my blog later!)

Give thanks..

2010-11-25T13:10:00.004-05:00

I didn't decorate the house for Halloween or Thanksgiving this year. My mantle remains the same as all the other days. I am trying to clear the den/man cave to set up the Christmas tree in there eventually. That way it can be protected from kids & dogs when needed. We have a big floor to ceiling tree so the lower branches are subject to getting knocked around by passersby of all species.
This tends to be my season of discontent no matter how I try to force myself to be bright & cheery. Good thing everyone knows me & loves me anyway! There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it better. It just takes time.. time to cry, time to heal, time to be. People say it gets easier, that someday we'll pass through the darkness & the tears & step out into the sunshine again. At peace with our memories & ourselves.. and it's true.. some days we do. No one can do that for us, we have to know in our hearts that it is ok to laugh again, and slowly but surely we are getting there. Five years might seem like a long time to grieve for some, but for us, it is but a moment in time that has passed.. Kierra was just here, just a teenager, just a little girl, just a baby in my arms.
Today I have been in the kitchen cooking. Not even the traditional Thanksgiving fare, but cooking. I used to call my grandmother alot when I was cooking & had a question. I used to call her just to hear her voice when I was cooking & the familiar smells took me back to her kitchen, her hugs, her love. It isn't just Kierra I miss, especially on days like today. It is supposed to be a time of family, friends, sharing.. making new memories. That is what we try to do. It can be so hard sometimes, but we keep taking each step, one at a time.
We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning with the kiddos. They weren't all that interested. It held more childhood memories for Brian & I than it ever will for them. It is a different time, a different age for these little ones. I have many memories of my older children & many Thanksgivings with friends & family. I hold them all close to my heart.
Today may not be what it used to be for us. It may not be more than an ordinary day. But we are here, with each other, which is alot to be thankful for. Hug those around you & make the most of what you have. Give thanks for that and so much more...

Love is.. never having to say you're sorry...

2010-11-17T20:37:00.002-05:00

hmmm.. what if you say you are sorry yet keep doing the same thing again & again.. does the apology really count? Or if you say you are sorry to someone else, but not the person you offended?.. I am considering more than one incident as I ask these questions. I am considering the same person for all of the above. There is a history of damage done. At what point is enough, enough?

*They were sorry for telling me awful things about my daughter just after she died.. just in case I didn't know..and I think to prove how close they must have been to her to know those things. Afterward they were "sorry" & didn't mean to hurt or upset me.
*They were sorry after upsetting one of my children when they used Kierra as an example (a bad one, after her death) to correct their child in front of mine. Afterward they said they were "sorry" to me.. it wasn't meant the way it sounded. But have yet to apologize to the child of mine they hurt.
*They were sorry after saying an awful, disrespectful thing involving Brian's mother after her death, on the anniversary of our daughter's death. Afterward they have apologized to Brian.. it was uncalled for & they are "sorry". I saw the pain & anger it caused my husband. I have had to deal with the fallout each time this person said something that devestated me or someone I love.

I am glad for Brian that he is of the nature to accept the apology. He has to deal with them. I am not of the same nature & I do not have to deal with them at all anymore.

Don't spew forth a martyrdom speech & expect any compassion from me. I have watched them hurt my family repeatedly. I have heard their apologies & watched them open their mouth & do it again. NO MORE. Sorry has no meaning when it is used as a convenience, rather than a true symbol of regret. When it is simply a word, with no meaning at all...

an awful great weekend..

2010-11-15T13:20:00.003-05:00

We had such an awful great weekend. Makes no sense. No more sense than death & grief ever make. We insisted on getting away & having fun with the kiddos. Making some good memories to over ride the bad. Saturday the 13th marked 5 years since Kierra was killed.
It was a hard day on it's own, but was made even worse by betrayal & hurt. Brian went by his Mom's house to get a pillow I left there. Only to find the locks changed & garage code changed. Supposedly an oversight, he wasn't given the code to get in even after the fact, which would have resolved the issue.
A statement was made in the background of a phone conversation that speaks volumes. No matter the pretenses.. that statement crossed a line that can never be returned from. Above & beyond being locked out of his own mother's home. I was not suprised by the turn of events, but Brian was. He truly believed in his mother's intentions & that brothers would be brothers no matter what. I hurt for him, for the pain of loss all over again for him. I hurt for the person within him this has unleashed.
I have been there, I have seen what greed & selfishness can do. The damage done can be devestating. I had hoped beyond my own expectations that things would not go this way for Brian's family. No one child has more rights than the others. No one child has more pain or loss.
We made great memories with the kids this weekend despite the turn of events. We pushed above the waste & debris left by others. We set aside what will need to be dealt with & did what our hearts needed to heal. We held strong to each other & will continue to do so.
Give your children your love & memories now, give them what you want them to have now.. that is the only way you can be sure they will get it. Because death changes everything.

Something to Share..

2010-10-13T23:01:00.003-04:00

I find myself in a strange place.. not of a physical nature.. well, that isn't quite right, it is of a physical nature, but internal, not external.. confused yet? I have been confused, concerned, contemplative, determined, & now proactive. I have shared so much here & on Facebook. I have sometimes shared too much. Lately I have held back what I have shared because I was not sure I wanted to deal with the reactions it would bring. I have shared with some privately, but that isn't fair either.
So let me preface it with this. I AM OKAY. I am actually doing well & am on my way to doing better. I have recently been diagnosed with MS. Multiple Sclerosis. A Basic explanation of what that is; A person with multiple sclerosis has inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, which weakens the nervous system. I am in an early phase, although they believe I have had it more than 12-15 years. I have good doctors who are helping me take steps to give my body the best possible ability to function at full capacity. I have a cervical spine injury that is causing some complications but that is being treated & will hopefully be resolved soon.
Next week, the 21st, I am having Lap Band Surgery. It is the best chance for me to lose weight & keep it off to relieve the burden my body has carrying all my extra weight. I actually had tried to have it done a few times over the past several years & was denied by my insurance. I guess they prefer the cost of the surgery over the cost of progressive MS! This is a good thing! I have researched it extensively prior to this and know all the pros & cons. It is one of the ways I can meet this disease head on & continue to be active & fully functioning.
So please do not feel sad or sorry for me. I need all the positive vibes I can get. I have so many healthy, happy years ahead of me. I will have relapses & I will get through them. I am a fighter, not a quitter. I have a full life to live & am determined to do it with gusto!
So there it is. I can be myself & share my journey freely as I go along now. Thanks for hanging in there with me!!

Back to School 2010-2011

2010-08-23T02:30:00.003-04:00

In just a few hours the kiddos will start their first day of school for the 2010-2011 school year! Tristan & Alexa will be in 1st grade & Hunter will be in 3rd. They seem to have good teachers this year & we are all looking forward to a great year! I have their backpacks packed & bags of supplies to go with them. I will send a few more things as the week continues. It is unbelievable how the supply list has changed over the years! Here are just a few things & the quantities I had to buy to cover all three kiddos..

copy paper 7 reams
glue sticks 30
sharpened pencils 72
composition books 7
binders 7
plastic folders w/ pockets 10
spiral notebooks 6
boxes of 24 crayons 6
kleenex, sanitizer, scissors, markers, 3 each

Then there are all the individual class supplies which go on forever.. so lots of labeling! I worked hard to catch stuff on sale. Office max & Staples beat out most of the dept. stores on supply prices & Kohl's seemed to have the best deals for kid's clothes over the past several weeks. I got some killer deals for Alexa today.. saved $124 & got several outfits for about $12 each. I like that math! I will try to remember to take pix today when they get on the bus.. in just a few hours!!

writing vs. reading

2010-08-23T02:07:00.003-04:00

When did we all become so computer driven? I think we got one back in 1994 when we came back from England. But it was for games more than communication. Now we read what we have to say to each other rather than talk via phone or, WOW!, face to face. I used to think the lack of emotion in the written word caused problems, but I think there is an overabundance of emotion from some people. The probelm is they are the readers of the words, not the writers.. so their own emotion, their own insecurities, opinions, judgements, etc.. go into their reading. At times their perception has little to nothing to do with the writer's intention. I have become so tired of having to explain what I mean when I write something. No matter how basic, how plain I say things.. someone, somewhere takes it wrong, reads so much more into it than is there.
There are some pretty important things I have not even posted to Facebook because I do not have the energy to make anyone else "feel better". To continually assure everyone that I am not talking about them! The whiners & boohooers are beyond my realm of consideration at the moment. It is a self imposed censorship of sorts. But I am wearing thin with worrying about what anyone thinks. It is what it is. Like it or not.. read it or not. I do believe I have said that before. But, like my children, some things have to be repeated over & over again!
Another reminder that seems to need repeating.. if I have cut you out of my life it is a complete dismemberment.. I do not write to you or about you.. if, for some reason I did.. I would most likely mention you by name.. afterall, what would I have to lose?? So don't flatter yourself that you are included in what I have to say on a day to day basis.. I am pretty good at being done when I say I am done.

Reaching for the Sun!!

2010-06-16T20:20:00.003-04:00

I unexpectedly started a part time job on the 7th of June. It was a job that I had been approached about before but it never panned out. I went in on the 7th to discuss it & ended up working! It was supposed to be a few hours a couple days a week. Thank goodness I had already signed the kids up for 3 full days of camp each week for the summer. I now work 3 full days each week & will most likely go to full time as soon as school starts back the end of August. I am an office manager/gal Friday for an owner of 2 companies, an automotive shop & a foam insulation company. Although he has been doing this for years, they both are small busineses with alot of growth potential. I am pretty much my own boss, which is a good thing :), and I am allowed alot of freedom & creativity with organizing things, marketing, & advertising. I am really enjoying it!
I have not worked a professional job in 6 1/2 years. I know the kids "need" me, but it hasn't fed me intellectually. I cannot find the words to describe the satisfaction I have gotten from this job. Tasks that I find to be simple & easy to accomplish are accepted as manna from Heaven at this job. Abilities that I find almost effortless are praised and appreciated. My ideas are eagerly talked about & given credence. I have not felt this productive & valued in a very long time.
I know Brian & the kids appreciate what I do, but it is almost by rote. I am using parts of my brain that have lain dormant for far too long! Of course I come home to the same chores & needs from my family that I have done for those 6 1/2 years prior to now. But I have such a greater desire to get things done & prepare to greet a new day, a new challenge, a new life outside of these walls. I think the kids, Brian, & I will all reap the rewards of this new adventure/endeavor.
I undersold myself initially, but have already discussed ammending the terms of my employment.. at his request. I know there will be days when I may not love it so much, but right now it is nectar to me. This part of me has been in limbo far to long. I feel like a blossom springing forth from hard, dry soil that someone has watered and fertilized at long last. My petals are reaching out to the sun & I am ready to bloom!

Hard To Believe...

2010-06-07T19:20:00.003-04:00

Hard to believe it has been over a month since I last posted.. I think Facebook is my mini blog! Hard to believe Chad is in Hawaii & has been gone with the Army for almost a year & a half. Hard to believe Brianne & Justin just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary on the 4th! Hard to believe the twin's have completed kindergarten & will be in 1st grade this fall! Hard to believe Hunter will be in the double digits (10) when he has his birthday this year! Hard to believe I worked at a real job for the first time in 6 years today!
Even harder to believe Wednesday would be Kierra's 29th birthday. I can't help but think of it. So much is going on, things seem to fly by with the speed of light, yet when I think of her birth, her death, things seem to move in slow motion. I feel cheated that I can't think of the first without the last. I can't revisit the joy of her birth, of her life, without the pain of her death following so close behind.
This is life without Kierra. It isn't easier, we have just learned to cope better. I shared with someone else who was grieving recently that we have to allow ourselves the bad days that come. We have to allow ourselves the moments that break our hearts all over again... like when I am dreaming of her & the alarm goes off.. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter to hold onto her just a second longer rather than open them & lose her again. Like when one of her children laughs out loud with their face full of her smile & I have to choke back the tears as she looks out of their faces.
I am thinking of releasing some clear ballons with little messages to her on Wednesday afternoon.. Hunter has an appt. with his therapist in Ponte Vedra, it is close to the beach. The clear ballons are because the sea turtles think popped colored ballons are jellyfish & eat them, they suffocate from them & die.. Kie wouldn't like that. It's that kind of little thing that pops into my mind unexpectedly, but that's OK. She was part of my life before she was born, & she will be until I take my last breath. Life without her.. hard to believe..

Wakey, Wakey.. I'm awake!

2010-04-30T21:11:00.002-04:00

I have really struggled the past couple weeks with how to share what I have been going through. I have started several times then stopped & deleted several times. So I am determined this time to jump in with both feet & get through it!
I am not sure exactly when I realized I was not myself anymore. I knew I had been moody, angry, on edge. I knew I intended to do things, but they never got done. I did all the things I needed to do to care for the kids, but next to nothing to care for myself. I would get the kids off to school, come home, sit on the couch or in one of the chairs, then be amazed that it was time to pick them up. I wasn't sleeping the day away, I was just staring at the television losing hours at a time. Hindsight is 20/20.I can see looking back, but not when it was happening. I finally made an appt. with my doctor. I was at a point I had never been to before. A dear friend had shared issues she had following her hysterectomy. That seemed like such a relief that it could be something that simple.
My Dr. spent alot of time with me at that appt. We talked about everything that had been happening in my life since my surgery last May. She believes I may have some mild symptoms due to hormones, but she firmly believes I was in a severe depression.
That seemed strange to me considering it has been over 4 years since Kierra's death. How could I be more depressed than I was when she died?? I had worked so hard to cope & be strong & do what needed to be done for my family.
August 25th, 2009 my brother-in-law & one of my dearest friends both died within 2 hours of each other. Randy had been very ill for the previous year & was diagnosed as terminal a short time before his death. Debbie had been unexpectedly hospitalized & declined quickly. It is hard to compare the 3 losses. There is no comparison. Each one was devestating for me in their own individual ways. I had been on autopilot since Kierra's death. Keeping myself busy & involved in so many things that I did not have time to let myself truly open that wound & let it heal. I cannot imagine it ever truly healing. So when my mind tried to process losing Randy & Debbie at the same time, it again tried to put me on autopilot, forging ahead like before. The flaw in that was that no matter how determined my mind was to ignore it, my body responded of it's own accord. I began to sleep less & less. I became more & more disinterested in the things I once enjoyed. I became oblivious to the things I left undone around me. I put on my happy face when necessary, but even that began to require energy I didn't have. I missed meetings for the cooking club, multiples group, school groups. I slowly removed myself from almost any social situation.
It took all I had to care for the children & try to function in what I thought was a normal world.
My Dr. not only insisted I try medication, but felt it was my only option. I have had an aversion to taking pills. Having exposure to several addicts in my life, I have always shied away from any meds that would blur my senses, or make me unaware. That seems funny now when I can look back & see how unaware I was for several months.
Taking the meds was almost immediately like waking from a deep sleep, or like fog clearing & being able to see what is right in front of you.. I was shocked to see how many things I had let slide, or completely forgotten about. Our house was by no means in a state that was unhealthy, but it was not how I was used to it being. I spent the first week cleaning & getting rid of alot of stuff. There are a number of projects I have left undone or only partially finished. But I am getting there.
I am trying to not dwell on what I haven't done, but keep moving forward to doing what needs to be done. I know it will take time. I know I will still have days when I will just want to do nothing but cry. My meds aren't magic. They aren't going to make me happy all the time. They do make me more aware, more motivated to get things done. I have enjoyed my children, my family, my dogs, my horses.. especially the horses.. more than I have in months. But I am not a zombie.. I am not so high that I can't function. Actually I don't feel "high" at all.. I feel awake, alive.. and glad to be. That may be the biggest change of all..

Me & creepy crawlers.. Now it's war!

2010-04-11T17:01:00.003-04:00

I have lots to blog about, will have to backtrack a little later.. been very busy.. as usual, life is busy & we tend to get caught up in it!
The kids & I made a quick run down to Clearwater/St. Pete to check on Brian's Mom & get some stuff done at her house. We got there yesterday afternoon & came home today. I decided to stay at her house last night so I could get more done. Her house has been empty for about 4 months while she has been back and forth between the hospital & rehab. She has lived on her own there for almost 5 years before that. Her ability to care for the house is limited & despite the best of intentions, it has been difficult for anyone else to convince her to let go of "saving" things. I spent almost a week there a few years ago to clear out her garage & a storage room in her house. Yet everywhere you turn there is more stuff!
My Grammy was one of the most fastidious woman I have ever known. She battled cockroaches, palmetto bugs, silverfish etc. all the time. I am a Yankee. I didn't move to Florida until I was 9 years old. We didn't have those kinds of bugs up north. I learned very quickly that there are lots of them in Florida & they like the dark! Most kids collected change for candy, I collected change to buy bug spray after waking up with them crawling on me in my bed! I would hide it under my bed because my parents said it was a waste of money & couldn't understand my fear. Every night I would push my bed away from the wall & spray all under & around my bed. Then I would lay awake until I heard my parents go to bed. Then I turned my light on & sat in the middle of my bed with my spray in hand. I fell asleep like that most nights & I would wake up in a panic the next morning to turn off my light before my parents noticed. I got caught many times & got in a lot of trouble for wasting electricity. That fear & obsession about roaches of all kinds has stayed with me throughout my life.
When I was a very young bride & pregnant with Kierra I lived in Indiana. My Father-in-law put the deposit down on a trailer for us to live in. It was a new experience for me & I tried to be grateful. When we went into the trailer & checked out the kitchen someone opened the stove & roaches scattered all over. I screamed & ran out crying that I could not live there. I paid dearly for embarrassing my father in law & husband. (both are now in the EX category!) I begged for bug spray & suffered many sleepless nights there until we moved.
Brian & the kids thought Joe's Apartment was a funny movie.. I couldn't stay in the room while they watched it! While they laughed at the bugs dancing on the toilet seat I was fighting back the heebie-jeebies & dreading the nightmares. They came.. me in a bathtub full of them & no one could hear me screaming!
And yes, I have to talked to a therapist about it!! I can manage my phobia quite well. But there are some instances that despite my best efforts I have aftershocks of physcosomatic hives & that sensation of things crawling in my hair.
Brian's childhood home isn't far from the neighborhood I lived in when we moved to Florida. His mom came from a generation when times were tough & you reused everything you could to stretch that dollar & not be wasteful. So did mine. They saved paper bags, cardboard boxes, margarine containers, all kinds of things that could be useful again.
I had my first episode of "hives & spider hair" when I helped my parents pack to move from Florida to Tennessee several years ago. They had cabinets full of stuff that they had hoarded over the many years they lived there. Needless to say there were lots of roaches of various sizes scurrying as we tried to pack & clean. The hives & creepy crawly scalp lasted a few days then just as quickly went away. Creams & meds did nothing to help. I would even scratch in my sleep. I rarely stayed at their house back then. I have only stayed at Brian's parent's house a handful of times in over 27 years of marriage for that reason.
Roaches love paper of any kind, in any form. Not to mention any food that is left available to their houdini ability to get inside things. They love clutter & dark places. They especially love cardboard boxes full of papers, books, anything that gives them a food source & a place to hide.
Cleaning Brian's parent's garage & storage room had that same "hives & spider hair" reaction cropping up almost immediately. It lasted for weeks that time. I wasn't going to stay there last night, but we got in later than planned & I really wanted to get some cleaning done & get anything trash worthy out of there.. I filled 4 commercial trash bags!
By 3 am I was tired & ready for sleep.. I had cleaned & sprayed, sprayed & cleaned. She had hoarded paper bags, years worth of the plastic bags the newspaper comes in.. empty envelopes from things that were mailed to her.. pieces if cardboard from the back of note pads.. just lots & lots of roach food! With the house empty & almost always dark there was a bug party going on 24/7. I could not bring myself to turn off the lights.. so I went to try to sleep in the one room I had purged, cleaned, & sprayed hours earlier where we were all sleeping. I could not do it, I could not close my eyes. I dozed a few times & woke up in a panic, grabbing the can of bug spray to protect myself. I thought I was still doing well since I did not break out in hives. Although the creepy crawly scalp thing was in full force! On the way home I started scratching my thighs & arms, then I was rubbing my back on my seat.. yup.. hives had arrived!!
It may seem silly to some, but it is what it is.. some people have a fear of flying, of snakes, of spiders, of mice.. I have a fear of roaches.. but I will still do what has to be done to get that house purged of them. I am planning on a trip down in about 2 weeks to bomb the heck out of that house. A few more trash bags & their food sources should be gone.. any important papers/books will be put in airtight bins. Blankets, towels, & sheets will be in large ziploc storage bags. Because now it's war!!

Onward to a Better Day!

2010-03-16T09:38:00.002-04:00

The "spring forward" with daylight savings has really been a hard adjustment this time! Moving the clocks ahead an hour doesn't sound like such a big deal, but getting kids to go to bed when it is still light out & getting up when it is still dark is a bear! Moving their bedtime an hour later isn't good for their health or mine either. Then they would be even harder to get up in the morning. We will eventually adjust, but right now it starts the day off rough. We actually did okay this am after the initial dragging them out of bed!
But then my day spiraled downward. I tried to salvage what I could, but man was it rough! We got to the bus stop, which is in the parking lot of our communtiy center. There was a huge moving truck, with car in tow, parked directly across from the entrance. There were about 15 other cars parked waiting for the bus. It was obvious the bus would not be able to get past this truck. I wasn't sure if anyone had addressed the problem, so I got out of my car, crossed the street & knocked on the door until someone answered. I explained the probelm & asked them to please move their truck. I hailed the bus driver & told him it would be just a minute til the guy got his keys. Problem solved. As I was getting in my car another parent rolled down their window as they were leaving. He (the parent) proceeded to rant about the guy with the moving truck. It took alot for me to be civil. The guy was parked in front of his house.. he wasn't in the wrong, just in the way. I just told the parent it was no big deal.. problem solved.
I left to go to the grocery store. There was a terrible accident where the road merges to 2 lanes instead of 4. The road was blocked while the Life Flight helicopter landed. It looked like there may also have been a fatality. The guy in front of me got out of his car & proceeded to yell at the police & paramedics about being delayed for work. I could not believe how callous he seemed about the life or lives that were hanging in the balance such a short distance away. The helicopter was landing, there was no doubt why we were being held back. Finally one of the officers came over & shut him up. It was hard for me not to approach him myself. I continued on my way to the store.
While I was driving I thought about what a rude welcome to the neighborhood the couple must have had from me this morning. I was nice about it, but I obviously woke them up. They arrived very late last night & had alot of unloading & unpacking to do today. I ran into the store, grabbed some muffins for them & the pasta I needed. I wasn't there even 10 minutes. I came out to my car. There was a guy a couple spaces away from where I was parked. He was looking at my van, then turned to me as I approached. He then proceeded to rant about my dogs being in my van while I shopped. I tried to explain that they enjoy being in the car, it was only a few minutes, the back windows were open, I was parked in the shade, it was 8:30 am & it was only 48 degrees out, not 70. They were wagging their tails & in no distress. He was on a roll, threatened to report me for animal abuse, etc. I did my best to not lose my cool. I do not condone leaving your pets in your vehicle for long periods of time, or for any time in hot weather. If it is even mildly warm out & they are with me I leave the AC on & the car running if I have to run in for something ( I have keyless entry). In colder weather they go everywhere with me. I leave windows open & they love it. They both hate being left home alone. I would never jeopardize their lives. I thanked him for his concern , got in my car & left.
I went to starbucks on the way home, got my self coffee & 2 coffees for the new neighbors.
I dropped off the muffins & coffee, reintroduced myself & properly welcomed them to the neighborhood. I told them where I live & told them to come by if they needed anything. I got in my car & went home. Then I realized they screwed up my coffee & it was awful! I thought about going all the way back & having them give me the correct coffee. Then I went in, added some vanilla syrup & fixed my coffee. I was going to relax with my coffee & spend some time on Facebook only to have it freeze up on me & give me page errors. All of this before 9 am!
Then I sat here & reviewed the series of events. They could have been worse. I could have been the one woken up abruptly by a stranger in my new home. I could have been the one who was in, or had a loved one in, that accident. I could have been one of those ranting, angry men. I could have not made ammends with that couple. I could let this ruin my whole day. But I won't. I will release it here & let it go. That is progress for me. I know I have it in me to have reacted very differently than I did today. I tried to think about the other side of the situation. It doesn't mean the two ranting lunatics were right.. just that they believed they were & there was no use trying to convince them otherwise. That is a huge concession for me. It is also huge that I recognize that. There may be hope for me yet!!
Onward to a better day!!

Even as I smile..

2010-03-11T00:15:00.004-05:00

I am watching You Got Served. It is a movie about Street Dancing. I am listening to the hip hop music in it & I can remember Kierra liking this movie. I have seen it before. I actually like the movie. But I am not watching it for the movie.. I am watching it for the memories. I am watching it for the feeling of familiarity it brings me. My life seems at times to feel so unfamiliar to me.
It is a dual edged sword to invite this nostalgia. It brings grief, it brings pain. But it brings the image of her smiling face to my mind as well. I consider it a worthy trade. I wipe the tears from my eyes even as I smile, remembering.
I have a bad habit of late. I tend to go on autopilot when talking about Kierra's death. It is done by rote. I have gotten almost too good at flipping my emotional switch off. So when I am sitting here alone in the late of night & come across a conduit to my memories & emotions, I let them flow. I embrace the joy as well as the pain, knowing they come together. Knowing I cannot have one without the other. That is the cruelest thing of all. I cannot have a joyous memory, recall a happy moment without the aftermath it brings. That too has been taken from me, right along with her. My grief is my Absinthe, my deadly nightshade, my belladonna.. it has to be tempered, controlled, held back so that I can survive, carry on with the life that I have been left with. I have built up a resistance over time, but my heart is not impervious to it. I have to realize it never will be.
I will take these moments, these memories, and I will wipe the tears from my eyes.. even as I smile.

Taco Burgers

2010-03-11T00:14:00.000-05:00

1 Beaten Egg
1/4 Cup Milk
1/2 Cup Soft Bread Crumbs
1/3 Cup Finely Chopped Onion
1 Envelope Taco Seasoning Mix
1 1/2 lbs Ground Beef
1 (11.5 oz) Can Condensed Bean with Bacon Soup
1/2 Cup Water
2 Medium Tomatoes, Chopped
1 Cup Shredded Cheese (I use Cheddar or Mexican Blend)

In a large bowl combine the egg, milk, bread crumbs, onion, & seasoning mix. Add beef; mix well to incorporate all ingredients. Shape into 6 patties. ( I make smaller patties so I usually get more than 6)
In a large, lightly oiled skillet brown the patties on both sides. In another bowl mix the condensed soup with the 1/2 cup water; then spoon over meat. Cover; cook over low heat for 15 minutes. Top with the chopped tomatoes & cheese. Heat covered for about 4 minutes longer until the cheese has melted.

Serve with Corn Chips or Frito Scoops.

Another Banana Bread recipe (with glaze)

2010-03-11T00:12:00.001-05:00

1/3 cup butter or margarine
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon grated lemon peel
2 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe banana, (about 3 medium)
1 3/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter & sugar in large bowl til light & fluffy. Stir in lemon peel. Stir in eggs & bananas. Combine the dry ingredients in a seperate bowl, then add to the banana mixture slowly, stirring just until moistened. Fold in the nuts.
Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s) about 3/4 full. (depending on the size of the pan, may make 2 loaves) Bake for 1 hour.

Brown Sugar Glaze
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Combine butter, sugar, & cream in saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Let boil for 1 minute then remove from heat. Stir in vanilla. Spoon or pour over banana bread once it is cooled.

Grammy's Banana Bread recipe

2010-03-11T00:05:00.003-05:00

5-6 medium bananas, mashed
3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 cup melted shortening (or margarine/butter)
2 eggs
2 cups sugar

Beat eggs well, add sugar & mix well. Add melted shortening (or marg/butter), let mixture cool a few minutes. Add in mashed bananas. Then mix in dry ingredients. Pour into greased & floured loaf pan(s). .. about 3/4 full. Bake for 1 hour in a preheated 350 degree oven.

Optional.. add 1 cup chopped nuts when you add in the dry ingredients.

I remember when I was first married to Brian.. we lived in Wyoming & I didn't know anyone but him when we moved there. I called Grammy alot back then. I could cook anything that came with directions, but that was about it. She shared alot of her recipes with me. I cherish them still. I didn't realize that the change in altitude would affect the recipe, so to this day Brian recalls my banana bricks! I so wish I could still call her & hear her voice on the other end of the phone.

A Hard Habit to Break..

2010-02-09T10:45:00.004-05:00

I just commented on Facebook about the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" & that my road was paved to hell & back! That covers alot of ground for me. I had intentions to get back to blogging, I have not done so well with that. I am not sure why. I do not intentionally avoid it, but it never seems to get to the top of my to-do list.
I try to help others in whatever way I can. I try to fix things when someone needs me too. I tend to do it wether I am asked to or not. Therein lies the flaw of being a habitual "fixer"! The other end of that is when I so desperately want to help & either that person won't let me or there isn't anything I can do to help. I get burnt out, or emotionally drained sometimes, & yet I turn right around & do it again. It is who I am, it is what I do. It makes me feel I have a purpose, that I can do good, therefore I am good.. AHA! A lightbulb moment.. the eternal quest to be "good". To have approval from the ones you love & care about.
So why do I end up feeling bad if I can't help, or if my "helping" doesn't fix the problem? Why do I let it matter so much? I am not content to just try. Even with the best of intentions sometimes "helping" just turns things into a bigger mess. Or something that seems like a small task turns into a huge undertaking.
And I, of course, rarely ask for help from others. I think I am Wonder Woman & can do anything & everything all by myself. I can tell myself I am not, but damned if I don't put on that mask & keep on doing it. It isn't always a bad thing. It is an integral part of who I am. I don't know that I would want to be any other way. I have made a concerted effort, at times, to stop caring too much, to stop being the fixer. It doesn't last long. It is how I live, how I love, how I care for the people in my life.
It has been known to encompass strangers as well. I see someone in need & I am compelled to help. I don't need reciprocation. I don't need recognition or acknowledgment. It somehow feeds my inner being. It is what it is. I use that alot, but it is the simple truth. So even when it goes awry, I continue to try. As I will tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
My life is a constant work in progress. I have always found it easier to clean someone else's house rather than my own. I think the same goes for helping others solve the problems in their lives.. when my own seem too difficult, or out of my control I can always find some satisfaction helping someone else.

A New Year..

2010-01-10T22:10:00.003-05:00

I had the best of intentions for kickstarting 2010. I was going to be a better blogger, better mother, better wife, better friend... a whole new me. That didn't get very far before I realized that I may change some things, I may even change them for the better. But all in all.. I am who & what I am. There is always room for improvement, & I will do what I can to "better" myself. But it will be on my own terms, at my own pace. Not because another day went by, the date changed & the new year demands all those promises. Too much pressure for me, LOL! I have enough of that already!
I did make a change that will surely have a domino effect. On Dec. 29th I moved the horses from an hour away in Calahan, north of Jacksonville.. to 6 minutes from my house, here in St. Augustine. I see them every day. It has already made a huge difference to my worries & concerns for them. It is such a relief to have them so close. I was able to go out for a ride the other day & still had hours left to do other things at home. That in itself is a huge bonus! Brian & the kids will be able to be more involved too. That was the best Christmas present!
We got through the Holidays. This year was especially hard after losing Randy & Debbie August 25th. There were a few other deaths that were not as close, but losses none the less. It took alot of effort for me to even put up the tree, but we did it for the kids & managed to help them enjoy it. Brianne helped me Christmas Eve. & spent the night so she & Justin could be here Christmas morning. Chad didn't make it home. It is the first Christmas he hasn't been with us in his 23 years. That only added to the desire to skip it. I was glad to get it all taken down as soon as I could afterward. Maybe Christmas 2010 will be better for all of us. Maybe the economy will improve & life overall will be just a little bit easier. Maybe..
Hunter turned 9 years old on December 22nd. The twins will be 6 years old on Feb. 4th.
Time still keeps ticking away. Everyone will turn another year older, & we will all face another year of living... life without Kierra.

Easy Peasy Buckeye Candy

2009-12-23T17:04:00.002-05:00

1 c. creamy peanut butter (can also use crunchy if you prefer)
1/4 c. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. confectioners' sugar
1/2 c. flour

1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted

Line cookie sheets with waxed paper, you'll need 2. Beat peanut butter, butter and vanilla in a medium mixing bowl until creamy. Gradually beat in sugar and flour until blended. Form a ball using one rounded teaspoon of mixture, approximately 1" ball. Place on cookie sheets and refrigerate until firm (1 hour).

When balls are firm, melt semi-sweet chocolate chips. Spear balls with toothpick and dip into chocolate. Only cover 2/3 of ball so it looks like a real buckeye nut. Refrigerate for 1/2 hour or until chocolate is firm. Voila! Done! Now eat 'em up!

Stuffed Blueberry French Toast

2009-12-23T16:28:00.001-05:00

I made this a few years ago & gave it to friends on Christmas Eve as their gift that year. Hope you like it, posted by request!

1 loaf (~20 oz) bread, I prefer to use Texas Toast (thicker than sandwich bread)
2- 8oz packages of Cream Cheese, cut into small pieces (cubes or chunks)
1 1/2 -2 cups Blueberries (depending on how berry you want it)
12 eggs
1/3 cup Maple Syrup
2 cups Milk
1 tablespoon Cinnamon
1 Teaspoon Vanilla
dash of Nutmeg

There are 2 ways to do this, you can either cut all the bread into cubes, or cut up half of it, and leave half the slices whole. The rest of the recipe is the same either way.

*Place whole bread slices (or half the cubed if you cut it all up) into the bottom of a buttered 13x9x2 pan. Scatter the cream cheese pieces over the bread. Then scatter the blueberries as evenly as you can over the cream cheese. Top with the remaining bread cubes.
*In a seperate bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients & whisk well. Pour the mixture slowly & evenly over the bread.
*Cover & refrigerate overnight. Can be made the same day & refrigerated for 2 hours before cooking, but I find it comes out best when chilled overnight.

*When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cover & bake for 30 minutes, then uncover & finish baking for another 30 minutes until golden brown. Center should be firm to the touch.
*This can be served as is, sprinkled with some powder sugar, or with your favorite syrup.

I like it with Blueberry sauce, here is the recipe for that:
In a saucepan on top of the stove, on medium heat, combine 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 2 tablespoons cornstarch. Heat until this thickens. Then add 1 cup of blueberries, turn down & simmer for about 10 minutes until the berries burst. Take off heat, add 1tablespoon butter to berry sauce, stir well, & enjoy!

Mystery Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

2009-12-16T21:44:00.006-05:00

Here is the complete recipe. Thanks for playing along. This is kind of an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, but because you ground the oats it is a completely different texture, I like them better this way!

2 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour
1 1/2 Teaspoons Baking Soda
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1 Cup (2 sticks) Butter, Softened
3/4 Cup Granulated Sugar
1/4 Teaspoon Cinnamon
2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
2 Eggs
3/4 Cup firmly packed Brown Sugar
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
3 Cups Semi-sweet Chocolate Chips
1 1/2 Cups chopped Walnuts
1/2 Cup rolled Oats (Regular or quick )

*Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Either prepare 2 cookie sheets or cook in 2 batches. (if done in 2 batches, allow baking sheet to cool in between) For best results cover cookie sheet with parchment paper.
*Place oats in blender or food processor & process until finely ground. Then combine ground oats, flour, baking soda, salt, & cinnamon in a mixing bowl.
*In a seperate bowl, cream butter, sugars, vanilla, & lemon juice together using an electric mixer. Add eggs & beat until fluffy.
*Stir the flour mixture into egg mixture, stirring well until all ingredients are combined. Add the chocolate chips & nuts to the dough & mix well.
*Use 1/4 cup of dough per cookie, a regular size ice cream scoop leveled off works great. Place 2 1/2 inches apart on the prepared cookie sheet(s).
*Bake in preheated oven until cookies are lightly brown, about 16-18 minutes. Transfer onto a wire rack to cool. Cookies can be stored in a sealed container to keep them soft & chewy.

ENJOY!!

Bad Blogger, no donut!

2009-12-10T08:45:00.003-05:00

I have been a bad blogger! I'm not sure why I have been avoiding putting my thoughts in print. I do know that I have been in a fog. I barely decorated or celebrated Halloween, skipped over Thanksgiving at our house completely, & have been procrastinating getting out the Christmas decorations & tree. I just signed & sent out some Christmas cards yesterday. I usually have them ready to mail the day after Thanksgiving!

I have not just been putting off my blog. I have been putting off life in general. I was just getting into a place of mental health & well being about Kierra's death when Randy & Deb both died.. on the same day.. just 2 hours apart. Add in my accident & a few other stresses & I just shut down, shut out everything that required my personal energy or attention. I have been taking care of the kids & the minimum functions of every day life, but that's about it.

Hunter & I left the day before Thanksgiving & went to my parent's in Tennessee. Then we went to the horse ranch in Georgia. Hunter stayed a few days, then he went home (via Terri, Thank You!). I had a couple days alone, then Bri came up for the weekend. Last Sunday, the 6th, I came home. It was a much needed break. In some ways it recharged me, but not like it used to, or maybe this time my battery was just too low for a full recharge. But it was good for me. Thanks to Brian, Bri, Greta & Terri (& her gang!) for helping with the kids & making it possible for me to go at all!

Coming home I find I am different. Things have been different for Brian & I, so that is yet another change. I think it is all a part of the same issue. Life has been torn apart for us & we are still trying to mend the tears. It is an ongoing process. Then add more losses that shred us emotionally all over again. It can't be helped, there is nothing anyone can do. It is just the way our lives are now.

I know there has to be another side to all this. We are working on making some changes that will help us deal with it all a little differently. We are okay, just a bit tattered & tired. This time of year is always hard, and this year even more so than the years before. My ability to absorb it all & forge ahead full force has diminished. I have to accept that I am not the person I was before. I have to accept that I cannot fix anything for anyone else when I have my own damages to deal with. When even seemingly simple tasks overwhelm me it is time for me to step back & reorganize & prioritize what I do & how I do it.

Change is not, & never has been, easy for me. I have an auto defense mechanism that rebels against it. There were times I have been conflicted with myself over a change that was out of my control. I am learning to curb that. Trying to anyway!

So I am keeping more to myself while I sort it all out. I am keeping more to my home & family to give us the time we need to heal, to find what works for us. I am keeping more to my heart & less to my journals. That part wasn't intentional & hasn't necessarily been a good thing. I need to share, I need to let it out. So here I am, once again, spilling myself onto the printed page. Sorry for my absence, & for not having much good or positive to share. It is what it is, but I am working on that, I promise!

Each Holiday has it's own month!

2009-11-08T20:37:00.002-05:00

I find it amusing how many people don't understand why we don't do anything Christmas related until after Thanksgiving. I don't do Thanksgiving decorations until after Halloween either, but that doesn't seem like such a big deal.
Maybe part of it is having worked retail & being inundated with Christmas before Halloween even gets here. I always hated that! I was sick of Christmas way before it ever got here.
Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I prefer Halloween & Thanksgiving to Christmas. I hate how they are pushed aside for the commercialization of Christmas.
A big part of it was being born & raised for part of my childhood near Plymouth, Massachusetts. I grew up running around the Plymouth Rock on Saturdays when we went into town. Plymouth Plantation was just another part of where I lived, nothing special. I didn't realize until we moved away what an integral part of American history it all was. I refuse to trivialize it by skipping over the day that memorializes that part of our past.
When we lived over in England it was odd to celebrate something that they considered a traitorous act. The Pilgrims fled England for a New World. That doesn't go over so well when you are an American living in England, even now! Our first Thanksgiving over there was not long after we arrived. I baked pumpkin pies & we drove over to Scott & Suzy's an hour or so away. Brian missed our turn so he went up over a median to get there. The pies were up in the back window & flipped over into the back seat.. needless to say, no more pies! We stopped at a British bakery hoping to get a replacement pie of some sort. The only option was what they called a treacle tart. It is a "syrup" pie. Thick, gooey, syrup pie! I almost tend to think they had that just for the local Americans they knew were celebrating Thanksgiving!
So even though this month holds the darkest day of our lives, it also holds a day I grew up appreciating as the day we give thanks. I am trying to go back to that, the celebrating & the being thankful. Bit by bit, piece by piece.

Where's my storm cellar?!

2009-11-05T19:14:00.003-05:00

I can't seem to get ahead of this giant tornado that life has become lately. I get sucked into the vortex, everything gets trashed, & I am left standing in the rubble at the end of the day. There are good things going on, life is not all doom & gloom, but there are times it just really sucks!
Hunter is doing great at school. He is building confidence & study skills while this part of repeating 2nd grade is like a refresher course for him. I am hoping it will get him over the hump the 2nd part of the year when it is more challenging for him. He has a great teacher this year too, which makes a huge difference over last year! Hard to believe he will be 9 years old next month! He has lost 2 teeth the past week, both of his front teeth! Yes he is singing "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"!
Tristan is having more of a challenge with Kindergarten. He seems to be pushing his limits & testing the boundaries. He is being evaluated for hyperactivity. I know he is a boy, but his behaviors go way beyond the norm. His teachers & resource counselors at school are concerned & think it would benefit to have him evaluated & seen by Hunter's Dr. I agree. It is affecting him academically. He is very smart, he just can't control his impulses long enough to get anything done on paper.
Alexa is doing very well. Thank goodness! She has her moments of attitude & mood, but overall is an easygoing 5 year old. She has been into singing anything & everything lately. She sings about what she is doing, what the boys or the dogs are doing.. whatever pops in her head comes out in a sing song voice. Way out of tune & way off key, but she sings with her heart & soul!
Brianne's best friend lost her mother last weekend. The funeral was yesterday. It was hard to do, but I went to the viewing on Tuesday & the funeral as well. Amanda has been part of our family since right about the time we moved here. It is a tragic & senseless loss. Death has been way too busy in our lives. I am ready for it to move along!
Greta is having some health concerns. She is spending a few days in the hospital to get a complete battery of tests & work ups done to get some real answers about what is going on with her. She has not been well for quite a while but was so consumed caring for Randy that it wasn't a priority for her. She promised him she would take better care of herself & get things taken care of & now he is taking her at her word!!
I am trying to plan a getaway up to the horse ranch in December but will have to see what is going on & see what I can to do get the kids covered. I sure could use the recharge! They are giving me a free stay as a trade/thank you for giving them Reese, our Percheron-Paint Filly. She is doing great & I am glad to know she has such a great home.

Lemon Lush

2009-10-25T20:22:00.002-04:00

Crust ingredients;
1-1/2 sticks margarine (softened)
1 cup Flour
1 cup chopped nuts (I use walnuts)

Layer 1 ingredients;
1- 8oz. Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1-1/2 cups Cool Whip (buy large container, need more for top layer)

Layer 2 ingredients;
3 boxes instant Lemon Pudding
2-2/3 cups milk
1 Teaspoon Lemon Extract (can use Vanilla instead)

*Mix first 3 ingredients for crust. Pat firmly into 11x8x2 pan. Bake for 20 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Let cool.
*Mix next 3 ingredients for layer 1 & spread over the baked & cooled layer.
*Mix the ingredients for layer 2 ( It will become very thick) & spread over the top of layer 1.
* Spread the rest of the Cool Whip over the top. You can sprinkle with more chopped nuts if you like. Cut into squares & enjoy!

This recipe can be varied by using any flavor instant pudding you like & using the vanilla instead of lemon extract. It is a rich dessert, so smaller squares are better. A huge favorite!
I got this recipe from my friend, Sher Carlson when we were stationed at Plattsburgh Air Force Base in upstate New York. We were there June 1987-October 1990. Great friends, great memories, great food!

Rigatoni with Pumpkin & Bacon

2009-10-20T18:25:00.003-04:00

Ingredients;

Coarse salt
8 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1 medium onion, halved & thinly sliced
1 (3lb) cooking pumpkin, peeled, seeded, & cut into 3/4 inch cubes
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1-1/2 cups chicken stock/broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
freshly ground pepper ( I use white pepper)
1 pound Rigatoni pasta
1/2 cup finely grated parmesan cheese (plus extra to sprinkle on top when serving)
2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, toasted (for garnish, optional)

1.) Put water on to boil for pasta, add salt. While that is coming to a boil cook bacon in a large skillet on medium heat until bacon is almost crisp, about 5 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a plate lined with paper towels & let drain.

2.) Add onion to the skillet with the bacon grease. Cook until soft, 12-15 minutes. Add pumpkin, sage, 1/2 teaspoon salt, & the allspice. Cook, stirring occasionally about 5 minutes. Add stock & cream; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low & simmer until pumpkin is soft & sauce has thickened slightly, about 25 minutes. Season with Pepper.

3.) While the sauce is simmering, add rigatoni to the boiling water & cook until aldente. (about 15 minutes) Drain pasta & add to sauce in skillet. Add the bacon back in & the parmesan. Toss to combine all ingredients. Serve with parmesan sprinkled on top. You may also garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds.

Makes about 4 servings.

A Very Merry "Unbirthday"!

2009-10-20T10:52:00.003-04:00

I'm backtracking a little, but wanted to share my birthday with ya'll. I have made a point of not celebrating my birthday since Kierra's death. It felt like a betrayal to celebrate without her. And wether rational or not, it felt wrong to have a birthday when she never will again. So that is my reasoning, good, bad, or indifferent. Brianne always gives me my card & gift ahead of time as an "unbirthday" thing.
This year I had a free pass to Disney for the day & Brian had a day left on his Disney pass from when we went in June. Brianne watched the kids so we could go overnight. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday as much as I wanted to use it as an excuse to get Brian to spend some time with me! I was able to get a discounted room for the night so Brian & I went Saturday, checked in early, then went park hopping! We went to Animal Kingdom, rode on the Mount Everest Expedition, then left the park to go to the next one. Brian joked we were like Pandas.. Eats.. Shoots.. & Leaves, which is the tagline for an old joke I can't remember! So we "did the Panda" all day, rode all the grown up rides that we can't ride with the kids & off to the next park. There were a couple neither one of us had even been on before. When we rode Mission Space at Epcot Brian made jokes about it because I got to be the pilot & we crashlanded! He was more carefree & humorous than he has been in along time. On the trolley to one of the parks they tell you to please hold on to any "loose" belongings & he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't get what he was doing at first, then I playfully smacked him for being a smartalek!
We really enjoyed the one on one time. We talked about alot of things we don't seem to get to in our day to day lives. It was funny to notice the "texting teenagers" in the lines while we waited. There were 4 girls in front of us in one line who were texting to, & about, each other! Times sure have changed.
There were bittersweet moments too. Alexa had me wear her birthday girl pin & because I promised her I would, I wore it all day. So alot of people told me "Happy" Birthday. It was happier than previous ones in recent years, but it was still hard to be told that because it wasn't all happy. There were tearful moments too. It is not possible to go to places we went to with Kierra & not think of her, not remember how much she loved the thrilling roller coasters & rides, how she laughed out loud with a huge smile on her face. She didn't do anything halfway. But we cherish those memories & push the pain back just a bit further than we used to. It still comes, we still feel it, but you learn to take it in & channel it differently. You learn to catch yourself before the floodgates of tears open wide so it doesn't happen every time.
It was a hot day, we drank alot of water. At one stand I was digging through the ice looking for something cold when I came accross a giant pickle. The kids have always loved those so of course it reminded me of how much Kie loved them too. We bought it & shared it & really enjoyed it! It was ice cold & refreshing. It can be the littlest things sometimes that catch your heart off guard.
The parks weren't very busy & we didn't have many long lines. We hit all 4 parks & the only ride we missed was Space Mountain because it is still under renovation til November.
My birthday tends to be my starting point for the fall series of events that run through until the twin's birthday in February. Halloween, Anniversary of Kierra's death, Thanksgiving, Hunter's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, then the Twin's b-day Feb. 4th. I am not sure how we will handle all of that this year. I am not sure what kind of celebrations or memorials there will be. We will take them one at a time. It is good to be able to allow myself to celebrate & enjoy my birthday again. Maybe next year it won't have to be an "unbirthday", although I think it is a cute tradition for Bri & I to share now!

Autumn Stew (Post 900!)

2009-10-16T12:51:00.003-04:00

1/4 cup all purpose Flour
1-1/2 teaspoons Salt
1/4 teaspoon Paprika
1/4 teaspoon Pepper
1-1/2 pounds beef, cut into 1 inch pieces
2 Tablespoons oil
2 cups Water
1 teaspoon Pumpkin Spice
2 beef bouillion cubes
1 medium Onion, chopped
1- 14.5oz can Fire Roasted tomatoes w/ garlic
(or use stewed tomatoes & 1 clove minced garlic)

2-1/2 cups fresh pumpkin or hubbard (butternut) squash-peeled, seeded & cut into 1 inch cubes
3 medium potatoes, peeled & cut into 1 inch cubes

Mix flour, salt, paprika, & pepper. Coat beef pieces with flour mixture. Brown beef in 2 Tblsp oil in large pan or dutch oven. Stir in remaining ingredients, EXCEPT pumpkin & potatoes. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cover & simmer until beef is tender; 1-1/2 to 2 hours. Stir in pumpkin & potatoes. Cover & simmer until vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.

Makes 6 servings; 325 calories per serving.

Alex, Alexa, & Tristan 10.5.09

2009-10-12T18:22:00.001-04:00

Alex, Alexa, & Tristan 10.5.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Alex is thankfully back from Iraq! He came for a visit last week & we had the chance to take the twins to Universal in Orlando for 2 days. It was a good visit, but as always, too quick. Alex got to volunteer at the school for the day while he was here too. I posted some pix on the photo gallery, but have more to post. I am constantly running to catch up with everything!

Gone to the dogs!

2009-10-12T18:18:00.001-04:00

Kids & Dogs 9.29.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

We went through a rough patch with Cali when Chad left for the Army. We thought another home would be better for her. It wasn't and we got her back. I had been thinking of getting another dog to be her companion, but Brian wasn't so keen on another big dog. I turned down numerous offerings of other dogs & wasn't really looking. Then along came Callie.. yes another Cali/Callie! I happened upon a posting about her & it was all meant to be. Her family raised her & trained her well. They were unable to keep her & needed to find her a new home. Lucky us! Callie-Hanna (on right) is a 4 yr old Harlequin Great Dane. She is about 15lbs overweight so our twice daily walks will do her good! It has been like she was always here, Cali loves it & they are best buds. So now we are a 2-dane family!

Cali Playing

2009-09-19T00:03:00.001-04:00

Cali Playing
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Lots more pix posted to the photo gallery.. click on this pic to get there, or click on photo gallery listed on sidebar.. enjoy! More will be posted over the weekend! I was told to list a warning.. found some good pix of Kierra, & some of Randy, Kleenex may be required.

You can't "Catch" it!

2009-09-18T20:51:00.001-04:00

Grief is not really contagious! It can make you feel sad, but you can't "catch" it & it doesn't rub off! I say that because that must be the reason people tend to avoid someone who is grieving. The most used reason is "I didn't know what to say". Honestly.. you don't have to say anything. And when it comes to grief.. you can't really make it any worse. Even if we ask for space initially, that doesn't mean forever. That doesn't mean don't call at all & never come see us. Kierra has been gone almost 4 years, Randy & Deb almost 4 weeks. Alot of people in our lives distanced themselves when Kie died. Most haven't come back. That seems to be what alot of people are doing to Greta. Yes, she is upset. Yes, she can be emotional. But she is still Greta. She is still alive & breathing, although there are times she may not feel like doing it! We are still capable of going to a movie, or a walk on the beach. We can still talk on the phone. If we think we can't, we won't answer. Leave a message & you'll usually get a call back. Reach out, don't step away. It only takes a few minutes to say hello, & let someone know you are thinking of them. Some days that may be just what we need when we are feeling so alone.

Out of Obscurity..

2009-09-12T11:11:00.005-04:00

I just read back a few posts & didn't realize my life had been so consumed by dying & death.. I knew people I loved were dying, but didn't realize it had pushed everything else into obscurity!

*I missed posting Chad's 23rd birthday.. sorry buddy! He is in Tech school with the Army in Fort Huachuca Arizona. He should graduate March 5, 2010. His projected assignment will then be Honolulu, Hawaii! I guess I will just have to go visit!

*I missed posting that Brian is now a Sergeant with the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. I am so proud of him & happy for him. All those years in the Air Force forged a need to advance, to be acknowledged for his work. He got that, but also got the crappiest shift they have.. 3:30pm-3:30 am. The worst shift for a family man. On days that the kids have school & he works, they don't see him at all. I get to be a MSP.. Married Single Parent.. I get the kids up & off to school, I get the kids home from school, handle homework, dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. It is something he has worked so hard for, but truly sucks! There may be an opportunity for him to change shifts at some point.. but honestly.. another carryover from the military.. those are Brian's guys now, that is his shift.. will he really want to move to a different shift/squad & start all that over? Is it fair for me to ask him to? I have followed him & supported him for over 26 years, why change that now? It is an adjustment.. one that I thought I left behind with active duty.. so it will take a little longer, but we will all get used to it eventually!

*I missed posting about the kid's first day of school! I will upload pix later today. Tristan is in a co-teaching classroom, which has me concerned, but seems to be working at the moment. Alexa is in the class next door with a very organized, structured teacher. I thought at orientation that they may have been better off switched, but we shall see. Kindergarten sure has changed over the years! Hunter is doing well. He was unhappy at repeating the 2nd grade, but I think it will be a good year for him to gain some learning skills & get the support he lacked last year. His meds have leveled out & he is doing well. They just did an EKG & bloodwork.. all is well.

*Cali has settled down remarkably well. I will post a current pic of her too. The kids take turns walking her to the bus stop right around the corner every morning & afternoon..a positive side effect of having no car! It is a cute picture to see these little kids walking this big great dane!

*The lack of a car has also kept me from the horses. I had so wanted to get on a schedule with them too.. Once I have my car back that is my first priority. I think that has been part of the funk I am in. I miss riding, I even miss grooming & working with them. When they boarded in GA I was forced to devote the entire weekend to them, to focusing on nothing else. Now that they are up in Callahan it is harder to commit that block of time & not let other things bump them from my priority list. Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way!

I am sure I will think of other things that got forgotten, but for now that should catch ya'll up.

My War with Words..

2009-08-31T17:48:00.004-04:00

It has been odd, but I have not been able to blog. I have sat here several times without being able to type a single word. Other times I would type then delete. I am not sure even now what I have to say.
Words will not change the past few weeks. They can not change the grief & pain of those I love. I went to St. Pete & sat with my friend, Debbie for 2 nights & almost 3 days. She was in ICU until the morning of August 25th when she died there. I was not able to get back down there & words can't change that for me.
I was driving home from St. Pete. the night of Aug. 18th when 10 minutes from home I fell asleep at the wheel & wrecked my car. I woke up in time to avoid hitting a telephone pole, but hit a cement culvert instead. I am fine, my car is not. It isn't totalled but will be out of commision for at least another 2-3 weeks. I bruised my face on the steering wheel, but truly am okay & was very fortunate to walk away. The only casualty was a pigmy rattle snake I dragged under my car & decapitated. (The insurance guy found it under my car when he did the estimate.. wish I could have seen his face & heard those words!)
Randy went into the final stages of his life and was admitted to a hospice facility Sunday the 23rd of August.. Mada's day.. I had taken the kids to Disney with Terry M. for a last day of summer fun before they started school on the 24th. All I could think of was that I could not be out of town (on a Sunday as well) when someone else I loved died! That was a selfish thought but it was present throughout my day. Words could not calm that fear.
Late Monday night I went to be with Greta & Randy at the Hospice facility. He was in a state of coma/sleep that he did not wake from. I stayed until about 4 am in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I had just left to go home when I got the call that Debbie was gone. Her family had held out hope until the very end. There were some very hard decisions that they had to make & despite all their efforts she just couldn't fight anymore. I wish there were something I could say that would ease their pain. But I know from experience that words are hollow when your heart is breaking. Words can not change that she is gone from their lives.
I got home & crawled into my bed about 5 am. My phone was on vibrate so I did not get the call from Greta that Randy had died at about 6:10 am. She finally called Terry M. & I got the call as I was getting the kids out the door to school. I was already grieving for Deb, so wasn't suprised that I felt numb at the news. It took me a while to let my grief for Randy come.. I jumped into my day & tried to hold it at bay. I wasn't very successful & it won out. Grief has a way of doing that. Words don't make it any less persistent.
Randy's Memorial Service was this past Saturday, the 29th of August. He will have another one up in North Carolina next Sunday, September 6th. It has been hard to watch my sister watch her husband die. To watch her make all the arrangements for the end of his life. It is harder still to watch the pain of her grief. I can't say I know how she feels, because although I know the pain of grief intimately, I do not know her pain. But I can hurt for her & feel so utterly helpless to ease that devestating strike of lightening each time she is reminded that he is gone. I had not been to their home since his death until yesterday. Chad came home for the service & wanted to say goodbye before his flight back. Chad was joking around with Greta in the front yard so I ran into the house to grab my camera. As I ran in I yelled.. "Hey Randy.. you've got to see this pic..." and it struck me what I had said, & that he wasn't there. Why does our mind let us do that?? I will never understand how we can be so cruel to ourselves. How the intricate masterpiece that is our brain can let you do that, let that thought even form into words..words that cannot change that he is gone.
Almost 4 years of life without her.. I still do that with Kierra from time to time. The pain is almost as great as the first time it struck me that she was gone. Fall is coming, it used to be my favortie time of year. I brace myself for her favorite, Halloween, to go on without her.. then the anniversary of her death, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the Twin's birthday. Fall is taken over by my heart's Winter season. My season of numbing my heart from the pain of grief so I can give the kid's the season of celebration that it all should be. Words do not make that any easier.
Obviously my words have not escaped me.. I just wasn't sure how letting them out would feel. I wasn't sure I was up to the battle between my words & my emotions. I may have won the battle this time, but the war wages on!

Enough Already!

2009-08-15T21:46:00.002-04:00

I spent the majority of my day today going through files & photos on our old computer. It was full of memories, and emotions. It really wore me out! Funny how something mental can sometimes exhaust you more than physical activity can! Then this evening I found out a dear friend of mine is in the ICU down in St. Petersburg. We met when Kierra was about a year old. I worked at Zayre's & so did she. She ended up being my babysitter & a very dear friend. There were times in our lives she & her family were the only ones I had to turn to. No matter how long it has been or how far apart we have been, coming to see them is like coming home again. Deb has grieved for Kie deeply. She has a strong faith, but knows how painful it has been for me. It has been painful for her too. It seems hard for us to talk about it when we are apart, but when we see each other it is so natural to talk & share both the joy & sorrow of our lives.
I am driven to go to her, She has been ill before, but this feels different. I will hope that she rallies & gets through this. For her, for her family. It doesn't sound good. I will go see her, hold her hand, give her husband a break (he has been there 24hrs a day since she was admitted on the 10th.) & take the time to share ourselves with each other like we have so many times before. I am not ready to let her go, but neither have I been ready for Randy to go either.
An ex brother-in-law of mine passed away the 11th after battling cancer. The husband of a twin's Mom in our group died from Cancer the end of July. A friend of my parent's lost his battle from cancer on the 11th as well.. enough already!!

Happy Birthday to my baby, Brianne!

2009-08-13T02:01:00.001-04:00

Bri 1st Birthday
Originally uploaded by mommanana

She turns 25 today! Wow! From this bright eyed baby she has become a remarkable woman. I am so proud to have her as my daughter. I love you baby girl!

I just wish I could fix it..

2009-08-13T01:06:00.002-04:00

I thought my grief over Kierra had given me an understanding of death, of loss. I have lost loved ones before, but nothing compares to what her death has done to me. I have been watching what my sister has been going through with her husband & I am not so sure I could handle it. The "knowing" would drive me crazy, as I am sure it is with her.
Randy has had time to see his brothers, sisters, children, friends, & most of his grandchildren. It has given him an opportunity to say things he wanted to say to those he loves.
Yet even with all that, the moment of his death will be just as devestating to those who love him as Kierra's death was to us. No matter how much you think you can "prepare" for death, nothing can prepare you for that moment, no matter how or when it happens.
I tend to be a "fixer". I do what I can to help the ones I love, to fix whatever makes them unhappy. I can't fix this. There is nothing I can do to make it better, easier. That makes dealing with it all the more difficult. I can & I will, but I can't turn off the need to help, to fix it.

Quite the conversation..

2009-08-04T01:12:00.005-04:00

Hunter: Mom, are you awake?

Me: Yes Hunter, I am now..

I need to talk to you.

okay, honey, climb up here with me & we'll talk.

No Mom, you have to get up & talk to me in the other room.

come on Hunter, you can talk to me here..

No Mom, we have to talk in the office, it's important.

OK Hunter, let's go talk in the office..

So why are we talking in here Hunter?

I don't want to upset daddy talking about his Dad..Mom, Pop-pop (Randy) has dibeeties like Daddy's Dad did doesn't he?

Yes Hunter, he does.

Pop-pop has to go in the hospital alot like Grampa Shore did too doesn't he?

Yes Hunter, he does.

Pop-pop's kind of sick can't get all better can it?

No sweetie, it can't

How many more times will Pop-pop go to the hospital like Daddy's Dad before he goes to Heaven too?

Pop-pop doesn't want to go into the hopsital anymore, so he will stay at home so he can be there with Nana and visit with everyone.

And he will go to Heaven from his house?

yes, Hunter, probably. That's what he wants.

'cause his body is too tired isn't it Mom?

Yes honey it is.

That was not quite the conversation I expected to have. But Hunter has always been very perceptive & very smart when it comes to what is going on around him. I wish I could have lied...

Me on Lenny 7.19.09

2009-07-20T00:50:00.001-04:00

Me on Lenny 7.19.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Not my best photo, but look at that handsome horse!
A friend of ours, Tanya, took Lenny & I to the beach this evening for a great ride. The weather was perfect, the horses were perfect, & the company was awesome! It was great to talk to a grown-up! We email & facebook back & forth, but that isn't a replacement for good old fashioned face to face! I know I talked her ears off! (That happens when you are with kids all day.)
I haven't ridden in over 2 months. It felt good to get back on. We rode for about an hour and a half. It was a great recharge from how emotionally exhausted I have been lately. I am hoping to do it again sometime. Thanks to Tanya & her beautiful mare Jaeger for sharing their evening with us!

Damn the little things...

2009-07-19T11:48:00.003-04:00

I have reorganized our office/den/man cave recently. It is still all of those things, but it also has become my memory room. I have a wall quote that says "We do not remember days.. we remember moments". That is so true! We don't have alot of personal photos on the walls all over the house, so this room has been designated as the photo room. I have been going through photo albums & boxes to pick out our favorites & put them on display. I have also been taking photos out of those cardboard sleeves & putting them into protectors in albums for the ones I am not framing. I came accross some of Kierra & Brianne's class photos from England. They went to the American school on the military base there. I finished labeling Brianne's, I had written on the back of her's the teacher name, year & grade. I went to do the same for Kierra's and was stunned to see I had not labeled hers. I have no idea why not, but the information isn't there. I can figure out the order, but am not sure of the year, or her Teacher's names, or exactly, her age. I can figure out her age by other photos, which will give me the year, which will then help me figure out the grade. Brianne or Jessie (Miller) may recall the teachers, maybe not. I see familiar faces of other children in the photos, but can't recall their names. It struck me with a sharp stab of pain that I can't ask her, she can't tell me as she laughs over the familiar memories and stories of her youth. And with that thought follows; she can't ever tell me anything... ever again. Such a little thing, just a moment of thought. Something so little, yet it brings with it a pain so enormous it engulfs me, it brings me to my knees. Damn the little things, damn them, damn them, damn them!

Grown-ups & Guilt..

2009-07-19T02:08:00.004-04:00

This has been a long week. Brian has worked over 2 weeks straight without a day off. That has given me alot of very long days with the kids. We have done some fun things, but bad weather & even worse finances have put a damper on summertime activities. We have been going to the free summer movies at Regal Cinemas, to the pool (when weather permits), to the zoo, & to a couple parks around town. As much fun as all that is, the days are still long & sometimes I just need a grown-up break! I feel guilty about that. Guilty that I feel that way sometimes, guilty that we need to tighten our purse strings & I pay a sitter sometimes to get away from it all.
This evening Greta & I were going to try to meet up & go to the beach. We had hoped to get an icy tropical drink & walk with our toes sinking into the sand. That didn't happen because Brian was working & I couldn't get a sitter. We will try again another night! I haven't done that in ages. During the day it gets way too hot in the summer here & the kids prefer the pool. I may have to take them one evening just to walk. There is part of Jax beach where we could even take Cali with us.
Tomorrow evening I get to stroll the beach on the back of one of my horses, Lenny. A friend of ours is picking us up at the barn with her horse trailer so we can go ride along the beach. I don't have a horse trailer, so I haven't taken any of mine to do that. I am so excited! If I think of it I will take some pix. Brianne & Justin are taking the kids so it won't cost me for a sitter, Thank You, Thank You! And a huge Thank You to Tanya for asking me to go & being willing to transport me & my horse too!
I managed to figure out a way for the twins to go to half day camp for 3 weeks. (Where there is a will, there is a way!) It is where Alexa went to preschool. Next week is Mad about Sports Camp, then the following week is Mad Science Camp, & the last week is Iron Chefs Camp. It is 9am-12pm Mon.-Fri. It is only for 4-6 year olds. Hunter & I will find other things to do. He got to go to horse camp for a week & stay at Terri's for most of that week so it evens out. It will give them a little break & get them used to a semi school schedule.
I'm not sure if we'll get to go anywhere or do much else this summer, but they got to go to Disney for almost a week & most kids never get to go to Disney at all. I know, it sounds like I am trying to justify things to myself, & I am.. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. It doesn't make sense, it just is! So I will enjoy my horse & my ride on the beach tomorrow night, I will enjoy my grown-up time & try not to feel so guilty about it!

I CRY

2009-07-17T11:21:00.003-04:00

I cry

happily
angrily
sadly

I cry

softly
loudly
quietly

I cry

joyfully
painfully
hormonally

I cry

7.17.09 mjs

Stanley & Kie Nov 1985

2009-07-17T00:37:00.002-04:00

Stanley & Kie Nov 1985
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I was going to post another pic of Stanley, my biological father, but this one always ends up winning out of all my choices. He died the day after Brian's neice, Sammy was born. (She's my neice too, that just tells which side of the family she is on!) So sadly, I track how many years he has been gone with how many years old she is. Not intentionally, but my subconscious reminds me before I even think about it. To add to that irony, he died on my little sister Cricket's birthday, so I tell one sibling Happy Birthday, while I find a way to comfort 3 others. Just one more reason I almost hesitate to acknowledge the date of his passing. I have found with Kierra's death, & his, that I resent giving any power to the day they died. I will not give more energy to the day they died than I do to all the days they lived. Sometimes that can be hard to do. So I commemorate the day with this fun filled photo to share with you all. Not to be sad, but to bring a smile to your face, as it does mine..everytime I look at it!

Happy Birthday Cricket July 16th!

2009-07-17T00:25:00.001-04:00

cricket w kie April 5,1982
Originally uploaded by mommanana

I always post this pic for Cricket's birthday because I luv it!

Happy Birthday Sammy!

2009-07-17T00:24:00.001-04:00

11-22-07 Thanksgiving
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Sammy turned 11 on July 15th. This pic was in 2007, but is one of my favorites.

Our own little bubble....

2009-07-15T15:45:00.002-04:00

I didn't realize we were living in our own little bubble. We did what we could to help those around us hit hard by the economy. We donate to charities. We live a good, full life & rarely want for anything. Now we find ourselves in a position we have not been in for a very long time. We find ourselves scrambling to come up with funds we don't have. We didn't notice the bubble bursting, we didn't notice that gentle slide down the slippery slope, until we hit the ground hard! We aren't alone. Many people are having to sacrifice & rearrange their priorities.
Life goes in phases & cycles. It runs around & around while we do our best to keep up. We've been through rough patches before & we will come through this one. It is just stressful to not see it coming then have to scramble to fix the problem. I miss our bubble, I miss the comfort that comes with financial security. I miss being able to work & contribute like I used to. I do, I really do!

On Secomd Thought..

2009-07-11T13:09:00.004-04:00

There is something else I need after all... a really good babysitter! I have Terri & the gang for when I need a weekend break, (or recovery from surgery!) or if I am going somewhere overnight, etc. They are always willing to take them on. Brianne has been a huge help & helps whenever her schedule allows. Greta & Randy even take them when they can. So I don't mean to complain or infer they aren't really good babysitters.... what I need is someone who can watch them so I can do things with Terri (& the gang), Brianne, & Greta (& Randy), and to fill in to give all of the above a break now & then because they all work full time as well. I have had the help of a couple friends who have twins as well, but I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, or burn out a friendship.
I had a couple referrals for teenagers in our neighborhood, but one of them is always busy with other plans, & the other one never calls back or comes over when she says she will. So those numbers were erased from my list. Of course, then there was no list! So I went back to using an hourly daycare center up in Jacksonville. But since I only need them occasionally it is cost prohibitive because their rates are high on a PRN basis, lower if you buy "packages" of hours. Not to mention they are about 30-40 minutes away from my house, a bit out of the way most of the time. It wasn't so bad when the kids were in school (pre-k for the twins). I scheduled most things during those hours. Summer has become a major challenge.
I am a starbucks addict (suprised?!). there are 2 starbucks near me. One is 5 miles north, just off the interstate, the other is 5 miles East on US1. They know me by name & my usual coffee! One morning while talking to one of my "regular" baristas we got on the babysitter subject. He mentioned a sister who may be able to help me out. I jumped at the opportunity to have her come over and see if it would work out for us both.
She came over for the day on Monday & watched the twins while I took Hunter to the Dr. It seemed to go well. She is 18, just graduated from high school. She watched them Thursday while I took Randy to the dentist. I warned her that they would probably play her & test her. I tried to give her the do & do not scenarios. Randy's appt ended up being almost all day. I called throughout to check on them & all seemed to go well.
I came home to absolute chaos! The biggest issue was that Hunter & Alexa had convinced the sitter that they were allowed to play outfront with their bikes & Hummer.... without her! Tristan didn't want to go, (he knew better!) & Cali, our great dane, wouldn't go outside for the sitter. Hunter told her she couldn't leave Cali alone in the house, which is true, but he also told her it was okay, he would watch Alexa. She asked him if I let him do that... Hunter & Alexa both told her yes! NOT. She checked on them often, & said most of the time they were drawing with the sidewalk chalk.. or so it seemed. Hunter & Alexa would keep an eye out & listen for the door alarm, then run & catch her before she discovered all the things they had gotten into in the garage. Here are just a few of the highlights..
*Red Bull from the garage fridge.. tried it, didn't like it, so played hockey with several cans.. somehow puncturing a few. The ants have invaded my driveway even though it has been sprayed down..bug spray is a wonderful thing! Red Bull cans were strewn all over the far right side of our house..furthest from our front door so no one would see!
*Duct Tape.. a large new roll. Taped everything & anything they saw.. wads of it all over the place from when they pulled it off so they wouldn't get caught!
*Tool Box.. I think that may have been connected to the Red Bull somehow..possibly how the cans got holes in them.. no one is fessing up.. tools strewn everywhere.
*Camping Chairs & various outdoor games.. all out & in disarray.
*Several bins emptied with various toys, clothes, etc.
*got into unopened toys I had in a dresser in the garage, opened them & had them strewn everywhere.
*Popsicle & drink wrappers here & there.
* Alexa was dancing on top of the neighborhood large green electrical box when I pulled up.. never saw her move so fast as she dove off of it, grabbed her baby buggy & actually tried to pretend she hadn't been up there!
*They had somehow gotten the top off of, & knocked over, the fireant killer, thankfully they didn't mess with it, just made a mess!
There are probably still things out there I haven't discovered yet. My front yard looked like a junkyard. The sitter was very upset when she realized all they had done. She & I had a huge talk about common sense & being more attentive to what they are doing. Tristan, other than not telling her they lied, was actually the good one for the day! I was glad they didn't get hurt, although sympathy might have curbed my anger!
She was so sorry & promised it wouldn't happen again. She didn't know & isn't used to 3 small kids at one time. She watched them again yesterday for just a couple hours.. Hunter still got into things he shouldn't have & didn't want to listen to her. He & I talked about that, and about what being grounded means. I made sure Cali was gated in my bathroom while I was gone so she wouldn't have a 4th child not listening!
She is supposed to babysit on Monday so Bri , Jess & I can go up to the horses. I asked her if she was still willing to babysit.. I figure this will be the truth teller.. they will either do better, or she may not be the right fit. I told her she can have fun with them, but can't be their friend, she needs to be firm & on top of them. I just don't know if she has the confidence or the experience to handle them. We shall see.
They are a handful, I am not dillusional, I know they are alot to deal with. I am hoping everyone settles down & it works out for the occasional time I need a sitter. I don't want the name "Shore" to send sitters running in the opposite direction. School starts on August 24th. I am hoping I can work out the twins going to half day camp for a couple weeks... so we'll just keep swimming, swimming, swimming through the rest of summer!
(although hockey is a pretty good use for red bull!)

All that I want, All that I need..

2009-07-08T17:32:00.005-04:00

There is such a fine line between need & want. I want alot, I need very little. I need time alone with Brian. (Here's some TMI)...not just for sex, although that is great when we can manage it! But just to be with him, to talk , to share, to just "BE" together. Between his crazy schedule & my being pulled in a dozen different directions, time truly alone together is rare. We both get plowed under by life & all that we do. We also get burnt out by those same demands day after day. We are not alone, it is how many couples live their lives.
I go through phases & I think Brian does too, when it all just gets to be too much. I NEED to be with him, need to have some time for just the two of us. More than a couple hours out at a movie, which doesn't happen often either, but it is about the only thing we do as a "date night" from time to time. That is the "big" thing we did for our anniversary. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't enough. We slow danced for a few minutes in the parking lot, & that was awesome.
It doesn't have to be the most romantic, or anything fancy. Just to be together, uninterrupted, & have the energy & ability to give our undivided attention to each other. I have planned a weekend for us to be "home alone" in a few weeks. We can't really afford to go anywhere, & honestly I don't want to. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone else but Brian. It may sound selfish, but I don't want any phones, any visits, nada. I am not planning anything. We can sleep, watch movies, do something, do nothing. I don't care. He works so many hours & misses out on so much. We spent a week at Disney. Yes, he took a week off, but the only true time we had "alone" was a ride through the Haunted Mansion. I am not complaining, we had a great week. It was mainly for & about the kids. Now I want to give that same attention to my husband. For 48 hours I don't want to be distracted or exhausted from anyone or anything else.
I had Kierra when we met. 26 years later we are still raising children together. Neither of us would have it any other way, but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve to put each other first every once in a while. I don't NEED him all the time, every day. I WANT him all the time, every day, but sometimes the NEED is so great it hurts.
It doesn't have to be a weekend, but take the time to appreciate & truly "be with" the person you love. With or without kids, life can eat up all your time & energy. You know your partner loves you & you know they know you love them, but nothing replaces giving yourself & your time to the one you love. Nothing expensive, nothing fancy, just your time. You both not only WANT that from each other, you NEED that from each other.
We have a quote on the wall next to our bed, it says;
"Holding you, I hold everything" that is so true, all that I want & all that I need, rolled into one. So I will take the time to not just tell Brian that, but to show him that with my time & attention, just the two of us!
(HUGE Thank You to Terri, Dwight, Savanna, & Jess for being such great friends & such a great second family for the kids. We couldn't do it without you!)
P.S. It was a great idea, but once again life got in the way.. Brian ended up working & I had to move one of my horses, Reese, back up to Georgia.. so once again we got bumped to the back burner..

IT Happens...

2009-07-07T14:45:00.003-04:00

some times more often than others..sh*t happens! Yesterday was one of those days. My phone was on the fritz, my GPS sent me to timbuktu, every time I needed to get out of my car it rained, Cali hurt her left front foot, Hunter left his window open & soaked the window frame, sill & carpet, Hunter has a sprained left wrist, (thankfully not broken..again!), the kids have been fighting non-stop, I had to take Hunter to an urgent appt. with his specialist, there was a glitch at the pharmacy when I tried filling his prescription, & on & on & on! Just another day in the Shore nuthouse!
Hunter has been taking medications for ADHD for about 2 years, & for the past year he has also been taking medication for Bipolar symptoms. (Bipolar isn't usually diagnosed until puberty, but he has all the symptoms of it.) His Dr. & I had decided to take him off all meds once school ended to cleanse his body & get a baseline of his behavior. I can usually handle Hunter, but I have to admit I was at my breaking point when I took him to his appt. yesterday. There is a big difference between "just being a boy" and the behaviors that Hunter exhibited when off his meds; he had emotional outbursts to the extreme. He became hysterical or enraged by trivial things. He broke things, or more often, cut things when he got mad or upset. there is no rhyme or reason as to what set him off. He became physical when playing or when he got mad. I could not leave him unsupervised at all. He made very unsafe choices, such as using a very sharp hunting knife he got out of a toolbox in the garage to cut a milk jug he was supposed to be putting in the recycle bin. He could have seriously hurt himself. He also jumped off the back end of his bunkbed trying to break his storage shelf because he was mad. That is when he hurt his wrist & we thought it was broken. He was also becoming more physical with the twins. I made sure they didn't play unsupervised to avoid them getting hurt. I would never put them or Hunter in danger. It is a hard admission for any parent to make.. that they are afraid their child is a danger to themselves or others. But it is what it is.. or was.. because I got him in to see his doc & he is now back on medication. It was a very rough month.
I think I was hoping there would be a magical change, a cure. That he would be unaffected by being off his meds. There wasn't. Those behaviors were out of control unmedicated. They are almost nonexistent when he is on medication. I wish he didn't have these conditions. I wish I could have done something to make it all better. I feel guilty that as his Mom I couldn't "save" him, or "protect" him from this. His Dr. reassures me that this is something no one, not even Hunter, can control without the help of medication. There is biological history of ADHD & Bipolar for Hunter. Unfortunately he has both. There isn't behavior modification for this. It isn't something he will outgrow. so we grab the bull by the horns & do what we have to do to help him, to do what needs to be done for him to learn & realize that medications are neccesary for him to fiunction to the best of his ability. But it sucks, it is not fair that at 8 years old he has to deal with this, as unfair as it was for him to lose his sister & gain 2 siblings when he was only a month shy of his 5th brithday. Life is rarely fair. You can overcome it or let it overcome you. Control freak that I am, I will overcome it, for him, with him, we will fight the fight and get this under control. He started back on medication today.
I would not trade Hunter, Tristan, or Alexa for any other child in the world. Anymore than I would trade having Kierra, Brianne & Chad. They are my heart and soul. They are why I get out of bed every day, even on the days like yesterday when I really don't want to! Yesterday was a bad day, but it was yesterday, not today, & hopefully not tomorrow. When the rare day like yesterday gets to me, I vow when that day ends the next day will be better, and so it is. We have the power to give in or get up. I got up yesterday & trudged through it, I got up today & walked a little stronger, & I will get up tomorrow be stronger still. Yesterday is over, done, finito.
It's irrefutable, undisputable... the fact is... *IT* happens!

These Days..

2009-07-02T19:51:00.003-04:00

These days.. life goes on
rambling with a mind of it's own
pulling me with it, like it or not
never caring where I'm thrown.

These days.. life goes on
with or without my consent
pulling me with it, like it or not
never caring if I'm spent.

These days.. life goes on
and I see more of the light
pulling me with it, like it or not
giving me back my sight.

These days.. life goes on
and it's music to my ears
pulling me with it, like it or not
as laughter drowns out my fears.

These days.. life goes on
knowing I'll never forget
pulling me with it, like it or not
I'm not done living yet.

MJS 7.2.09

Family Dynamics

2009-07-02T16:55:00.002-04:00

I know families that have only 1 child, I know families that have 6 or more children. I know a few that had very little trouble with their teenagers, very few! The norm seems to be that somewhere between 16 to 20 years old they decide to drive their parents crazy! The age of 16 wasn't so bad for us with the older three kids. 18-20 was the rough phase for us. The age where they figure they can do whatever they want, even if they are still living at home, because they are adults now...hahahahahahaha! If that were true they wouldn't need their parents to fix their problems, or pay their bills, or get them out of trouble.
The oldest child usually tends to be the hardest to deal with when these issues arise. It is the first time you have to handle that type of situation. It is a hit or miss scenario. We try to avoid how our parents handled things because when we were that age, our parents did everything wrong... right? We also want any younger siblings to learn from other's mistakes, and have to think ahead to when we have to deal with their possible teenage angst.
It isn't the same with every family, but I notice middle children tend to be more mature, & do tend to learn from their older siblings experiences. They also tend to be less demanding on us than our oldest or youngest children. They almost tend to be invisible. Not intentionally, never on purpose. But I think we go to autopilot sometimes when we have stress from one child eating up our emotional resources. The youngest child is "our baby", no matter how old they are. We tend to give in more, tend to allow more than we do with the older children, again, not on purpose. We feed all our emotions about them being our last baby, about the mistakes we made with our older children, into how we react & respond to them.
Chad kind of went from our youngest to sort of a "middle" child when we took in Hunter. That was quite a switch in dynamics. It changed things for him, for us. Kierra's death in itself was another major change for our family, then add the twins to the mix and WOW. Bringing other children into your home changes the dynamics just as much as giving birth to another child. No matter how old they are, your other child/children will react accordingly. The dynamics change wether you want them to or not!
Changes in any family, any type of change, makes the dynamics change too. When an oldest child moves out, the next in line kind of steps into that slot, becoming the "oldest" in the household. Then the domino affect happens and the whole family has to adjust to the change. Sometimes everyone steps into their new slot seemlessly, other times it is not so smooth & easy.
I could not go "back home" to my parent's house when I left Indiana & came back home. The dynamics had changed too much & there wasn't that same slot waiting for me to step back into it. I wanted, and expected to be the "oldest" with all the authority & priveleges that came with it.
But I had become a mother as well & I didn't fit into the slot of being anyone's child anymore. My younger siblings also weren't going to step back into the roles they had before I left. I had expected them to change back for me, I had to change to the way things were at that time, not before. It didn't last long. I moved elsewhere. That was probably for the best. They say you can't go back home again, in many ways I believe that is true. It was for me.
I see the families around me all going through different stages of what I have already been through with the older three children. I am not so eager to go through it all again with these younger three! I can hope I have learned from my previous experience. Yet every child is different, parenting every child is different. So I will do the best I can, which is all any of us can do. All the best to you & your family, whatever the dynamics are.

Church Steps 7.1.1983

2009-07-02T16:37:00.002-04:00

Church Steps 7.1.1983
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Brian & I had our 26th Anniversary yesterday. He had to work, I had the kids all day, so it was just another day for us. Greta watched the kids last night so Brian & I could have a "date". We went to a deli for a bite to eat, then went to see the movie "The Proposal". It is a very funny movie.( Funny enough I didn't mind seeing it a second time since I saw it Monday night with Terry & Greta!)
But the best part of the night for me was after the movie. Brian & I went to the truck to leave, but he told me to wait a minute.. he turned up the stereo & slow danced with me!
It was a song we used to dance to years ago. We had an agreement that whenever one of us played that song on our stereo we would stop what we were doing, meet in the living room & slow dance. The kids used to laugh at us & thought we were crazy!
So it wasn't so much a suprise that he remembered that, It was that he would do that in the middle of a parking lot. It earned him major brownie points! It wasn't an expensive evening, nothing fancy or flashy, but that few minutes in the parking lot are priceless to me!

Cali June 29 2009

2009-06-30T15:16:00.001-04:00

Cali June 29 2009
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Cali has relaxed back into the household, obviously! She was sleeping on her back in this photo, which is a very relaxed, submissive way for a dog to sleep. She was calm & quiet the first couple days, now she is coming out of her shell & more like she used to be. We are trying to let her have free roam of the house. She has done very well so far. Other than trying to chew on the couch pillows while Brian was home with her last night! We are glad to have her back home!

6 Days at Disney!

2009-06-30T14:51:00.001-04:00

Watching the Spectra Magic Parade
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Lots of pix added to the photo gallery..check them out! I didn't take my laptop so I was "offline" other than my phone. It was hot, hot, hot, but we had a good time. The twins were not so keen on riding anything they thought would be at all scary or too fast, so my limited ability to ride some of the rides wasn't such a bad thing. They averaged about half a day before they were done & ready to go back to the hotel & swim in the pool. We weren't on a set schedule, so whenever we all got up & got going worked out well. A couple things were closed, but there was still so much to do no one really noticed. We still have a day left on our passes, so I think we will wait for cooler weather to use it!

The Carousel

2009-06-18T18:55:00.002-04:00

Have you ever ridden on a carousel? You pick the one you want to ride on, you climb aboard all excited. The ride starts, everyone is laughing & having fun. Then you notice that your horse isn't moving like the others, your horse is slower and isn't really going anywhere. You notice you aren't riding up & down as fast as everyone else. How can you all be on the same ride yet be going at such different speeds? The ride is still fun, but it isn't the same when you notice you aren't keeping up with everyone else. Most of the others on the ride don't even notice.
Or are you one of the other riders? The ones who are going along just fine, having fun & enjoying the ride, not noticing that someone else isn't keeping up, isn't having as much fun?
Life can be like that sometimes... whichever side of the carousel you are riding on.
And other times, it is what it is... just a ride.

Crazy Couple Days!

2009-06-18T18:41:00.003-04:00

It has been a really crazy couple days! I have been running non-stop & am so worn out! Randy was in the hospital again.. he has alot going on, but they can't do any surgery to fix some of it until his infections are gone. he is so sick of being sick! He went home today so he can rest & get well before they decide what else they need to do. My brother Tommy came into town yesterday & should be going back to St. Pete tomorrow. I spent some time with him yesterday, then today I got some fairies like I have on my van for his van & put them on for him. He had wanted them & I was able to get them for him. He brought me an antique picture with an ornate cherry frame. It is of a mare & foal. I don't collect horse stuff, but will have to see if I can fit this in somewhere. It matches the office furniture..we'll see!

Brianne has a new dog at her house. A 6 month old Black Lab. She was one of the puppies born up at the stables where my horses are. A friend of mine got her, but they are moving into an apartment & couldn't keep her. She has settled right in at Brianne's like she has always been there. I may be getting Cali back next week. The woman who wanted her originally couldn't handle caring for her, there were some issues, so the woman who has Cali's sister has taken Cali in, but may not be able to keep her. I had hoped it was a good move for Cali, but it doesn't seem to be. It is so hard to trust that someone will love & care for a pet the way you would. We will see what happens next week.

Hunter has been at horse camp with Terri's nephew all week. He has a horse show tomorrow night. Mike spent the night over here Tuesday night, so Hunter is spending the night over there tonight. So it is just the twins & I. Brian has been working doubles all week so he can have next week off. We are going to spend the week at Disney with his brother & his family. There are special passes for the military right now, so with them having a timeshare, it is the only way we could afford to do something with the kids this summer. The kids are so excited. I am still pretty limited as to what physical stuff I can do, but am looking forward to some fun with the kids, & getting away from these walls for a few days! It will also be the only time Brian will be off & away from work to really enjoy being with us!

I have a to-do list that is getting longer & longer, so off I go to get something done!

Cavatini Supreme

2009-06-14T14:52:00.001-04:00

1 1/2 lbs Ground Chuck
1/2 med-large onion, chopped
2 tblsp butter
1 tblsp Garlic Powder
1 tblsp Italian seasoning
Salt & Pepper to taste
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
6 oz Pepperoni, sliced or chopped
1 32oz jar tomato sauce (your preference)
1 cup uncooked pasta twists
1 cup uncooked pasta shells
1 cup uncooked ziti pasta
8 ounces grated Mozzarella cheese

Saute onion in butter in large pan. Add ground beef, garlic powder, italian seasoning, salt, & pepper. Cook until done.
Drain off any excess fat.
Add mushrooms, & Pepperoni. Stir.
Add tomato sauce, stir well. Cook on low while you prepare pasta.

In large pot of salted, boiling water..add pasta twists & shells.
Cook for 2 minutes.
Add Ziti in with rest of pasta, cook all pasta for 9 minutes. Drain well.

Add Pasta to sauce mixture. stir well to combine all ingredients.
Place mixture in 13x9x2 baking dish.
Top with Mozzarella cheese.

Bake at 350 degrees for 20-30 minutes until hot & bubbly.

(Before baking you can freeze this recipe for future use. When you are ready to use it, thaw completely, bake uncovered 30-45 minutes)

There are Times...

2009-06-12T15:18:00.004-04:00

There are times I can sweetly dream,
& you are right here with me.
There are times I can wake at dawn,
& relive when your life left me.
**********************************
There are times I can see the sun,
& it pushes the dark away.
There are times I can feel happy,
& it keeps the grief at bay.
**********************************
There are times I can move on,
& live the life before me.

Then there are the times......I cannot.

mjs 6.12.09

All dressed up 6.9.09

2009-06-11T03:56:00.001-04:00

All dressed up 6.9.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Alexa just had to have her hair curled for her Pre-K graduation Tues. night, also on her mother's birthday. More pix in the gallery. She was in my room while I was getting ready and said she HAD to have jewelry for her graduation, so please could she wear some of mine. I let her go through my earrings. I have dozens with all types of styles & designs..she zeroed in on the dragonfly earrings & then just had to wear the dolphin heart necklace. Kierra loved anything with Dragonflys, and the dolphin necklace was hers. It really caught me off gaurd. Of course I let her wear them! We are very proud of her too!

Mr. Pre-K Graduate 6.9.09

2009-06-11T03:50:00.001-04:00

Tristan Grad 6 9 09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Tristan had his Pre-K graduation Tuesday morning, June 9th. What would have been his mother's 28th birthday. It was a very bittersweet day. He was his usual self, constantly moving! There are other pix in the photo gallery. I am going to take tristan & Alexa for formal pix in their caps & gowns. we videotaped everything. I have a special part of the video to save for part of his high school graduation.. when he said his name he said "Tristan Jane-Marie Shore". I'm not sure he even realized he said Alexa's middle name instead of his, which is James. We are so proud of him!

I'll get through it..

2009-06-08T10:22:00.003-04:00

I had a quiet, but long weekend. We didn't go anywhere & didn't really do anything. Brian worked all weekend, so it was just me & the kids. I think my mind is trying to get geared up for tomorrow. It would have been Kierra's 28th birthday. It is pre-school graduation for both Tristan (in the am) & Alexa (in the pm). So I have to put on my happy face & be around alot of people all day. I am so proud of them! I'll get through it. I have cried alot this morning, maybe subconciously I want to get it out of my system. I wish I could blame it on hormones, but I know this pain, I am familiar with the weight of my heart being crushed by it.
I know everyone means well.. It will get easier in time, She's in a better place, She would want you to get past it, move on... I get all that, thanks. The truth is, those are just words. There is no magic spell that can make this better. I know all that in my head, although I still don't buy the better place bit.. but my heart & my emotions sometimes have a will of their own. So I will surf the waves as they come, knowing I'll go under a time or two. Also knowing I'll come up for air, I'll get through it like I always do.

Bri & Brian 6-4-05

2009-06-04T08:41:00.001-04:00

Bri & Brian 6-4-05
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Her wedding day! Happy Anniversary to Brianne & Justin. I love this pic. It comes in second to the one when Brian danced with her to "Baby Mine", which was also her ballet recital song when she was 4. Our baby girl, all married & grown up!

My foreign body..

2009-06-02T10:38:00.001-04:00

The world keeps spinning, going round & round. I feel like I am trying to keep up, but having to do everything in slow motion just throws me further & further behind! It has only been 3 weeks, it has been 3 whole weeks, either way there are still more weeks to go for my recovery & my patience with this foreign body of mine is running thin! I am not in control & we all know that does not bode well!
My oldest sister, Robyn, will be here tomorrow for a few days. She insisted on coming to help. I appreciate that to some extent, but I really don't know what she can help with. I am up & doing & getting things done. I have been off pain meds a week now, other than running the vacuum cleaner, I am back to doing what needs to be done. She will go to Greta's on fri night & fly home Saturday. Good thing we have a community pool & she likes to sunbathe or there wouldn't be anything for her to do! We used to have a close relationship, but issues changed that a number of years ago when our biological father died. It has been repaired some, but will never be what it was. Of course, no matter who it is, I feel like things need to be in order when someone is coming to visit. It just takes me so much longer to do everything, it gets frustrating!
The incision has healed well, but my insides are still sore, & a ways from being back to normal. It is strange to be limited by my body. It isn't something I am used to at all. So I will keep counting the days, & weeks until I am healed & can figure out what normal is for me again!

Blast from the past..almost 30 years!

2009-05-29T23:43:00.003-04:00

I "know" alot of people. There are alot of different levels of "knowing". I do my blog thing here, I joined Myspace more to help Kierra's friends keep up with things too. The last holdout for me was joining Facebook. I knew nothing about it & figured it was just another Myspace. I finally joined & am so addicted to it. I even have it on my phone! It is the closest thing to grown-up contact I can get on such a frequent basis. I live a busy life. The few friends & family we have near us are very busy too. That leaves me with alot of kid time. Which, at times can be a blast, but not 24/7.
I had several people from high school contact me on FB (Facebook for the unknowing). I knew them, or knew "of them". It is great to reconnect with people who I may have otherwise never come accross again. Today I found someone I truly "knew" from back then. I wasn't sure they would remember me, but they did. It was fun to reconnect with someone who I had a genuine connection with so long ago. I have very dear friends from almost 30 years ago that I keep in touch with & am lucky to have close to me now. How wild it would be to not talk to them since way back then & just out of the blue one day say, "Hey, do you remember me?" & have them respond "WOW, yes I do"? I think part of that is because to me, I was invisible back then. I was among the un-noticed.
It was so funny several years ago, the girls & I went to one of the reunions that invited a couple years worth of Alumni, I think it was the 20th. Because I knew who all the popular people were (but never really "knew" them in school) & I am now fairly outgoing..haha.. they all thought I was someone significant. It was a blast. We are all grown up, in different worlds, but you put us all in a room & we tend to revert to who we were back then, or who we thought we were. We had a great time & I look forward to the next reunion. I think Brian's 30th should be this year, but we haven't heard anything about it. I'll have to check into it.
Anywho, this world is smaller than we think it is, & if we keep our eyes open, there's no telling what we'll see!

Chicken Cheese Lasagna

2009-05-27T10:47:00.002-04:00

This is dinner for tonight. I just have to get motivated & get it made! Just like traditional lasagna, it is even better the next day!

CHICKEN-CHEESE LASAGNA

8 oz. lasagna, uncooked (about 9 or 10 noodles,)
2 c. cooked chicken, chopped
2 c. chicken broth
2 c. milk
1/2 c. flour
2 c. (16 oz.) Mozzarella cheese
1 c. grated Parmesan cheese
2 c. (16 oz.) cottage cheese (I use Ricotta Cheese)
2 (10 oz.) pkg. chopped spinach, thawed and drained
1 med. onion, chopped (approximately 1/2 c.)
2 cloves garlic, crushed (I use garlic powder)
1/2 c. butter
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. oregano

Melt butter in saucepan, add flour, garlic, salt. Cook, stirring constantly until bubbly. Remove from heat. Add milk and chicken broth. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly, about 1 minute. Add onion, basil, oregano, pepper, 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, Mozzarella cheese, stirring until cheese melts.

In ungreased 9x13x2 inch rectangular pan, pour 1/4 of cheese sauce (approximately 1 1/2 cup). Layer 3 or 4 lasagna noodles, overlapping if necessary. Spread 1 cup of cottage cheese over noodles, 1/4 of cheese sauce, 3 or 4 noodles, 1 cup cottage cheese, chopped spinach, chopped chicken, 1/4 cheese sauce, 3 or 4 noodles, remaining cheese sauce, sprinkle 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese on top. (I also top with Mozzarella.) Bake in 350 degree oven about 35-40 minutes.

It only hurts when I laugh!

2009-05-27T09:37:00.003-04:00

*I had a huge debate w/ Hunter about "Double Dog Dares" & wether you HAVE to do them. After this intense discussion where he kept defending that you HAVE to do double dog dares, & I insisted you don't...he explained that was why he made his milk explode at lunch yesterday! ( I really had to work at not laughing! What he did was not funny, well, kind of, but the whole debate beforehand to help cover his own butt was!) I hope I convinced him to be his own person, that he can, & should, say NO when others try to get him to do something that he knows is wrong, or unsafe, or he just doesn't want to do. It is so hard to impress upon kids that what others think is not so important. Even at just 8 years old, he is influenced by the kids he spends his school day with. It is very important to him to be liked. I tried to reassure him & let him know, it is usually the kids who won't really be a good friend that try to get you to do things they know are wrong, or will get you into trouble. I wonder if it is a futile battle. But I will keep trying!
*Alexa caught Brian & I both by suprise last night. He walked in the door & before anyone else could say anything she ran up to him & said "Dad, we need to talk!" I was in the other room & couldn't help but laugh at how serious she sounded. I had no clue what was so important. He asked her to wait for him to get changed. The instant he came out of our room she was ready & waiting.... to tattle about something one of the boys had done! It had already been handled. She was just looking for some extra support & sympathy. Being Brian's Princess she thought he would defend her. He handled it well, but was thrilled I think that she thinks so much of him. I am so concerned how he will handle her manipulations when she is a teenager!
*We have been waiting for the Night at The Museum 2 movie to come out. The kids loved the previews & we have the first movie on DVD. Brian was off Monday so we met bri, Justin & some of his family at the theatre to see it. Tristan was sitting next to me. I almost choked on my popcorn when he quoted one of the lines that "The Thinker" sculpture says. He flexed his muscles & said "Boom, Boom, Firepowa". It was so funny because he said it when he saw the sculpture in the background of a scene..before the actual scene when he says it. He did it complete with accent..it was hilarious! He can be quite the mimic when he likes something. He picked up a word from the bobblehead Einsteins in the movie too, but I can't remember it. It is a long word, but it escapes me! I will post a note on here when I remember. (it wasn't Dumekopf)
(it was Vundeba!)
Now he is waiting for the movie "UP" because he likes Doug the Dog from the previews..I should make a DVD of kids movie previews & sell it as entertainment!

Dog Treat Recipes

2009-05-27T09:17:00.003-04:00

My dog guru sis-in-law, Lisa sent me these for my lil sis Cricket to make for her new dog. I posted it on facebook & forgot to post it here!

DOG BISCUITS
Recipe #1
2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup powdered dry milk
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
6 tbs. margarine or shortening
1 beaten egg
1 tsp. brown sugar
1/2 cup ice water
Preheat oven to 350F.

Combine flour, dry milk, and sugar. Mix in margarine or shortening until mixture resembles cornmeal. Mix in egg. Add enough cold water so that the mixture forms a ball. Pat out dough 1/2" thick on an oiled cookie sheet. Cut with doggie biscuit cutter and remove scraps. Pat out scraps and cut with biscuit cutter as before. Bake for 25-30 minutes.

Recipe #2
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 cup grated Romano cheese
1 egg
1/2 cup plus 1 tsp. corn oil
1/2 cup chicken broth

Preheat oven to 350F.
Blend flour, cornmeal, garlic and cheese. In a small bowl beat egg with 1/4-cup oil and broth (use rest of oil to oil cookie sheet). Blend liquids into the dry ingredients with a fork. On an unfloured board work dough just enough to form a ball. Roll to 1/3" thickness. Cut biscuits and place on an oiled cookie sheet. Bake for 30 minutes.

Ham & Green Noodle Bake

2009-05-26T18:58:00.002-04:00

Ham & Green Noodle Bake

1 Medium Onion, chopped (about 1/2 cup)
2 tblsp Margarine or Butter
2 Tblsp Flour
1/2 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Pepper
1/4 tsp Dry Mustard
1 3/4 cups Milk
2 cups cut-up, fully cooked, Ham
1/2 cup shredded Swiss Cheese (about 2 ounces)
4 ounces uncooked Spinach Egg Noodles
2 tblsp Grated Parmesan Cheese
Garnish; (optional)
Twist of Lemon
Celery Leaves

Preheat Oven to 375 degrees.
Cook & stir onion in Margarine, (or butter), until tender.
Blend in flour, salt, pepper, & dry mustard.
Heat over low heat, stirring constantly, until bubbly; remove from heat.
Add milk; heat to boiling, stirring constantly.
Boil & stir 1 minute, then stir in ham & swiss cheese.

Cook noodles as directed on package; drain.
Alternate layers of noodles & sauce mixture in ungreased, 1 1/2 qt casserole dish, then sprinkle with parmesan cheese. *(I just mix it all together & use a 13x9x2 baking dish.)
Bake, uncovered, until bubbly & light brown, about 20 minutes.
Garnish with a twist of lemon & celery leaves if desired.
Makes 6 servings. About 260 calories per serving.

Had this in the freezer, made ahead. Thawed it out & dinner is done! One of Brian's favorites!

A long road..

2009-05-21T15:28:00.002-04:00

Tha past 10 days have gone by in a kind of blur. One day seems pretty much the same as the day before. I have tons of nothing to do. I miss the kids, I miss driving, I miss sleeping in any position I want, I miss being able to do the simplest of tasks. And I have 4-5 more weeks to go! Even then, I will still be on restrictions, but alot of the daily tasks will be off the list. I am getting stronger day by day. Just taking a shower can wipe me out for a couple hours. I am trying to pace myself, but it is hard. I couldn't believe just cutting up some chicken put me in pain the other day. So I am being more careful. It is a long road, but I am walking it one step at a time!

Lobster, Crab, or Shrimp Bisque

2009-05-21T13:19:00.004-04:00

From Paula Deen's The Lady & Son's Cookbook

I thought making bisque was going to be a big deal, one of those fussy recipes that takes alot of time. This was so easy & so very good! Brian likes texture to his soups so I didn't blend it at the end like she suggests. Sure to be a real crowd pleaser! Thanks to Brianne for bringing me fresh lobster from her trip to Maine. It doesn't make up for me not being able to go, but it sure makes being housebound easier to bear when there is Lobster Bisque to eat!

8 ounces of cooked crab, shrimp, or lobster meat
2 Tablespoons sherry, plus extra to taste
Pinch of thyme (I used dry, did fine)
3-4 green onions with tops, chopped
2 Tablespoons butter
One 10.5 oz can condensed tomato soup
1 soup can measure of milk
One 10.5 oz can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 soup can measure of heavy cream
Chopped fresh parsley for garnish (optional)

Finely chop crab, shrimp, or lobster meat & marinate for 30 minutes in 2 tablespoons of Sherry & the pinch of thyme. Saute' the onions in 2 tablespoons butter until soft. Add the crab, shrimp, or lobster meat & cook over low heat for 3-5 minutes. In a seperate bowl, combine tomato soup with 1 soup can measure of milk, then blend in cream of mushroom soup & 1 soup can measure of heavy cream. Add the combined soup mixture to the saute' of onions & crab, shrimp, or lobster meat. Stir well, simmer for 3-5 minutes on low heat. Add more sherry to personal preference. (I didn't find it needed more for our taste.) Cool, then mix in blender until thick & smooth. To serve, reheat in double boiler. Garnish with fresh parsley & serve.
(I don't have a double boiler. I used a non-stick pan on very low heat to reheat & it was fine.)
Enjoy!

Home

2009-05-15T20:21:00.003-04:00

I came home last night. Settling in today. Trying to rest, eat right, & drink lots of fluids. Very limited on what I can do, walking is enough exertion for me right now. I am not a huge pain pill person. I am taking one rather than the 2 they say I can take. It usually makes me feel loopy & sick if I take 2, so one works for now. They ended up having to do the full open abdominal procedure which is more painful & more restrictive recovery. It is what it is, at least it is over & I am on the mend.
Lisa Spradlin came by to visit & check on me today. It was good to see her. Terri & Dwight brought the kids over. It was really good to see them & get some hugs. Dwight rescued an earring I dropped down my sink drain this morning, & he tried to set up a camera & skype on my laptop so I can communicate with the kids more while they are at their house. Have to find the driver for the camera. I hadn't thought of that, great idea!
Had to go online & handle some paperwork for my horses so thought I would update here real quick as well. I get tired so easy, & the pain can come on strong when I sit up for too long. I am not superwoman, & trust me, I do not want to prolong this recovery at all! I will keep in touch when I can. Thanks for all your thoughts & prayers. ttfn

Surgery & Recovery..

2009-05-11T06:44:00.002-04:00

I will be having a total abdominal hysterectomy today at 2:30. They are doing the open abdominal method instead of a laparoscopic method so I will be in the hospital a bit longer & my recovery will be a bit more restricted & extended than I had originally planned. But it is what it is so onward we go!
If all goes well, & I am sure it will, I should come home from the hospital on Thursday afternoon. I will try to keep in touch with everyone in the next day or so, depending on how I feel. I will have plenty of time to blog during my recovery, so I will catch up on things then.

Fun in the Sun

2009-05-03T15:04:00.000-04:00

Today Brian & I took the kids to the Fernandina Shrimp Festival. We used to go as a family with the older 3 kids & then with Hunter when he came along.We haven't been able to climb over the hurdle of grief since Kierra died to all go together. I think Bri & I came last year. So this was a big step for Brian to go. It was a good day. As with everything we do with the kids that we used to do with the older ones, it was different, and we are different too. And sometimes that can be a good thing. It helps us make new memories, it helps soothe the pain that can come when we are reminded of what we have lost.
Memories like these;
Tristan gave us a new word..Whisbee. That is his version of frisbee. Even when we told him the correct way to say it, he stuck with Whisbee!
Alexa tends to be "in charge". When we were driving home she was heard saying "Boys, I am talking now, boys..I am talking!" (I thought for a moment she was channeling her mother!)
So it was a great day! And to finish it off I am going to see Wicked (the musical) with Brianne tonight. It is my un-mother's day gift from her. More memories to make!

Seeing Both Sides..

2009-05-02T13:48:00.002-04:00

I talk alot about parenting, mostly because that is the focus of my life right now.. again.. still. But I have not always been a parent. Some younger people may think I don't know what it is like to have parents who don't understand. I do not speak of what I do not know.
I worked & went to school. I didn't do much else & didn't have a car. But I did have a boyfriend, one they didn't approve of. Most parents don't approve of anyone when their daughter is only 16 years old! I babysat my younger brother & sister because both my parents worked full time. I did the majority of house chores for the same reason. By the way.. we did not have a dishwasher, were not allowed to use the dryer..so everything got hung on a clothesline, and although we lived in central Florida, we did not have central air conditioning. I was not allowed to have anyone over & I was not allowed to go to anyone else's house. Life was not fun & it was not easy. I moved out of my parent's house on my 17th birthday while they were at work. I left after several weeks of constant conflict & ultimatums.
It wasn't much more fun or any easier when I left their home & moved in with my boyfriend. I thought it would be, I thought I had all the answers. I had alot of hard lessons to learn & did not have my parents help or support to learn them. I didn't speak to them for several months. It changed our relationship forever.
I may not always agree with how my parents did things, or sometimes how they do things still. But they did the best they could with what they had. I always said I would never have so many kids. My mother had 7. I will have raised 6 including the twins. Never say never!
I love my parents, I am who I am because of them, good, bad & indifferent. All the parts of my life have molded me into the person I am today. Even the bad parts. I see things from a different perspective than I did on my 17th birthday. I thought alot about my struggles back then when I was making decisions about my children during the difficult teenage years. I could have shyed from what I felt we needed to do because I didn't want my children to suffer or struggle. But they had a part in those choices as well.
Life is a constant struggle, wether we are thriving or just surviving. I have 3 more children to raise up through those teenage years. Every child has been different, and I know these 3 will have their own challenges & obstacles to get through. I am not sure what those years will be like. I do know I will do the best I can for them, and for us. Whatever may come.

Have an umbrella handy..

2009-04-29T10:43:00.002-04:00

I have been hunting through old posts, (there are 852 of them!) thinking I could just repost something I had already written. But none of them said quite the same thing as I wanted to say. It was good to read back over some, emotional to read back over others. I just put in search blog for things like "choices", "respect", etc. to see what was there.
I had a discussion recently about the choices I made with Kierra when we were going through some rough times with her. At one point we had to make the choice to have her move out. Yes, "had to". She was 18, in her senior year of high school. We had several discussions with her about house rules & her behavior. She chose to continue to break those rules & disrespect us. I had 2 other younger teenagers watching & learning from her and had to decide to give in & let them all run rampant, or give her the final choice to shape up or ship out. She chose the choice which resulted in her having to move out. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. It broke my heart. I was asked if I regretted that or felt guilty. I wish it hadn't been necessary. But I honestly believe we would have lost her sooner if that hadn't happened. She was on a destructive path & there was nothing else we could do that would have stopped her. It took her years to get herself to a responsible point in her life. But I was proud of her choices as she got older. Not all of them , but most of them. I am proud of her choices with the twins. Both having them & wanting to make a better life for them.
That wasn't the only time we had to make a difficult choice with Kierra as a parent. I believe those choices also made a big difference with Brianne & Chad as they got older. All choices have a domino effect, both good & bad ones. Parenting is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. It doesn't always allow us to be their friends. It sometimes breaks our hearts to do what is best for them.
The rewards aren't always what we expected or wanted them to be. Most days it can be the hardest thing we have ever done. But some days it feeds our soul, it brings light to a heart that is heavy with darkness. Some days it gives us a reason to get out of bed, (yes, some days it makes us not want to get out of bed either!)But it gives us a reason to breathe our next breath.
No one ever said it would be easy. No one ever gave us a hand book on how to raise the perfect child & be the perfect parent. So we take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time. The important thing is..keep breathing, keep walking forward, keep going, there is light at the end of that tunnel, there is light in that life you created. Even if it looks dark today, there is light in there somewhere, and at some point it will shine. Just have an umbrella handy for the rainy days when it feels like it is pouring down all around you!

New surgery date.

2009-04-27T14:26:00.002-04:00

May 11th at 2:20 pm. I got a med list straight from the hospital & have stopped the meds they want stopped. I have new presurgical appts. with all my docs.(although that doesn't seem to do much good since I did that last week & they forgot to take me off those meds!!) So I will get things ready again and we'll see how it all goes between now & then!

surgery cancelled for 2 weeks

2009-04-26T12:35:00.002-04:00

It has been a crazy week with field trips, school projects & getting ready for my surgery. Then Friday afternoon I found out my surgery has to be cancelled & rescheduled for 2 weeks form now. I have meds that I should have stopped taking 2 weeks prior to surgery, but no one told me. So now I have to reschedule the whole thing. They will let me know tomorrow when the new surgery date is. I am glad the anesthesiologist caught it, he actually refused to do the surgery until I had been off the meds for 2 weeks. I understand why, just am major mad that neither my specialist or my primary Dr.s caught it & have wasted my time. I will update ya'll as I know what is going on. Just more chaos to add to the mix! Same stuff different day.

Game Basket for Hunter's Class

2009-04-20T23:22:00.001-04:00

Game Basket for Hunter's Class
Originally uploaded by mommanana

This is one of two baskets I have been working on for the boy's school. I am room Mom for each class & no one else offered. I did get a Mom from Tristan's class who is helping me with his. We will finish that one up tomorrow. It is a much bigger "basket"! I am glad it is just about done! I can't imagine how crazy it will be next year with all 3 kids attending the same school!!

The Karate Kids 4.20.09

2009-04-20T18:24:00.001-04:00

The Karate Kids 4.20.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Alexa has decided to do Karate instead of dance. I figured she would. She earned her white belt by the end of her first class! The boys better watch out, she may get her black belt before they do!

Baskets, a break, & crazy coincidence..

2009-04-20T12:17:00.002-04:00

Hunter & Tristan's school is having a BBQ/Basket Auction. Actually they changed it to a Basket Raffle. There are baskets filled with everything from Coffee to gardening stuff (they fill up a wheelbarrow!). Tristan's class is doing Camping & Hunter's is Family Game Night. Thankfully another Mom is helping me with Tristan's so I don't have to do everything for both! I have been busy gathering all the stuff and putting the basket together this morning. I ended up using a laundry basket for the games because the storage bin I got is too small. The school receptionist saved us on that one because I only got 2 parents who donated from the class. Pam bought & donated 6 board games, & I picked up a bunch of stuff too. We are using a cooler on wheels for the Camping stuff, it is going to be awesome! We had alot of participation from the parents for that one.
I decided to take a break, eat a popsicle, & put my feet up for a few minutes. I flipped on the TV & guess what was on? That movie Dragonfly that was also on in the wee hours of this morning. The one I just blogged about in my last post. I am not watching it again. It was at the same spot in the movie as when I turned it on last night. Crazy coincidence, huh?

Dragonflies..

2009-04-20T03:58:00.002-04:00

There are many times I don't sleep at night, like now, when all is quiet & my mind & body won't let me rest. I find quiet things to do. Tonight, after I cleaned the kitchen from a major cooking marathon today, I did a couple Sudoku puzzles, got the kid's backpacks ready for tomorrow, filled out some pre-registration forms for the boy's school term in the fall, filled out a field trip form, updated my calendar, & posted some pix to my photo gallery. During all this I occasionally flip through channels on the TV to see what is on. In the wee hours of this morning I found a movie that I have seen many, many times. It seems to be on often in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. It is the movie "Dragonfly" with Kevin Costner. It is about his wife dying in an accident in a foreign country working for the Red Cross. He thinks he is getting messages from her. (there is more to it than that, but this is the condensed version) In the end he travels to where she died and ends up in a remote village cut off from civilization. The natives tell him they knew his wife when she was alive. They couldn't save her body, but they saved her soul. They take him into a hut and there he finds his baby girl who was born premature and somehow survived. One of the main "signs" he kept getting from his wife was a dragonfly. The baby had a birthmark shaped like a dragonfly. It is one of those sad movies with a happy ending.
Of course it reminds me of Kie. She loved Dragonflies. They always remind me of her. I do believe there are "signs" of different sorts if we are open to it & pay attention. Not quite as extreme as in the movie, but I do believe. I like the idea that the baby is her soul. I like to think a part of Kie's soul is in each of her children. There are alot of little, subtle things I like to think are Kie saying hello. They may not be, but it works for me.
I have mentioned before about Mada's song, "I can only Imagine" coming on the radio several times on every station I changed it to on the day Kierra died. I don't hear it often, but when I do, I think of Mada. (I know this will be TMI, but there is a point to it!) The other night I was waiting for Brian to come home. I lit candles, put on something new & silky, turned on the radio to the easy listening station and lay there waiting. Mada's song is a religious song, it does not usually come on the stations I listen to. It came on while I was laying there & I immediately thought.."Mada, just like my kids, you have poor timing to interrupt my mood, & you're too young to know about this anyway!" Then I realized she would have been 21 years old on April 16th. She passed when she was 15. I tend to forget she would have been old enough to know quite a bit, & would have probably taught us a thing or two! She would have probably thought it funny that at my age I was waiting for my husband with all the trappings set up for him. I enjoyed those moments "with" her and the image it gave me of the young woman she would have become. Then I told her it was time for Brian to come home, she needed to go visit someone else!
Was it a "sign"? However you think of it, it was a connection for me to her, and my thoughts & memories of her. It is the same with the things that remind me of Kierra. Not just when I choose to think of her, but whenever I get any type of "sign" or "message" that gets my attention. Like Dragonflies..

alexa with her rose bush 4.18.09

2009-04-20T03:45:00.001-04:00

alexa with her rose bush 4.18.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Alexa got to spend the night at Greta's Friday night. Then they went shopping for flowers to plant. Alexa picked this purple rose bush. Those were Kierra's favorite. She had a blast planting flowers with her Nana. Greta even got her Dora gardening gloves and tools. She's not spoiled at all is she?!
I also posted the boy's Spring School pix onthe photo gallery, so as usual, click on this pic to go to the gallery and check them out!

Time keeps on ticking..

2009-04-19T08:41:00.002-04:00

Time flies by & I can't keep up! Between the boy's karate classes, a major project for each of the boy's classes, preparing for my surgery on the 28th, & all the day to day stuff..I am running non-stop! Of course, as Savannah says.."that's how I roll"..LOL. I am trying to keep up with the lingo so I am not considered totally archaic when the kids hit the teen years! Which, the way life speeds by, will be any day now!
I keep reminding myself that getting through the next 6-8 weeks will get me healthier than I have been in years. My Dr. says alot of the health issues that have plagued me for years can be tracked back to these tumors and the anemia. It makes sense, I just can't imagine being rid of all the ailments that the Dr.s couldn't seem to resolve for me before. A hysterectomy is major surgery, I get that. But I am not nervous or worried about it. I am relieved to finally have answers and an end in sight. I have had many surgeries, so I guess that takes away some of the fear factor for me. I am not concerned about the surgery itself, I am not looking forward to how badly I react to anesthesia. I have an appt. with the anesthesiologist before the day of sx to see what can be done to alleviate some of my bad reactions. Knowing myself, I have to say I am worried about complying to all the restrictions I will have during the 6-8 week recovery process.
My head accepts that it isn't the actual surgery I will be recovering from, it is the gaping hole in my body where my organs have to resettle & support each other since my uterus won't be there to do the job. My mind knows the importance of that. My mind understands how important it is.
My mind also knows how crazy it will drive me that I can't even push the vaccum cleaner for 6 weeks. Some of you are thinking..Vaccum? how strenuous is that? I thought the same thing. Then my Doc had me tighten & hold in my stomach muscles the entire time while vaccuming. Then release those muscles when done. I never knew how much you use your abdominal muscles to vaccum! The same with lifting & carrying any amount of clothes in a laundry basket. Those are such trivial tasks to me. I have to keep reminding myself that doing this right will directly affect how completely I recover and what my general health will be when all is said & done.
I am supposed to be on limited activity now. I have not been horse back riding or kayaking. I have not been taking walks or running any marathons. That is about as limited as I can get. In a fantasy world I would have someone else to clean house, do laundry, taxi the kids to school, karate, appts., cook, etc. In my world it is usually a one woman show. I have wonderful friends & family who help when they can. I have a husband who works way too much and tries to do what he can when he is home. But the reality of it is.. I am it. And that's okay. I am not complaining. I am trying to convince myself that I can change all that for 6-8 weeks. See..doesn't sound so easy does it? I will do what I have to do to recover the best way possible. I will remove the vaccum cleaner from the house if I have to (and I might!).
That is the part I worry about. Not being in the hospital, not the actual surgery, not the pain. I worry about not being able to do what I've always done, what needs to be done. I worry that I will screw up my recovery and cause complications. The control freak that I am is having a hard time accepting that I will not have control of everything around me, I will have to control myself. As those who love me can attest..I do not do that well!
It will be interesting to see if this changes me long term. If this makes me different somehow. It takes 21 days to create a habit. 21 times of repeating something for it to stick. So what will I change about myself in 42-56 days? Just the idea of it already gives me way too much time to think!

Alexa Easter 4.12.09

2009-04-12T12:02:00.001-04:00

Alexa Easter 4.12.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana

Tristan Easter 4.12.09

2009-04-12T12:01:00.003-04:00

Tristan Easter 4.12.09
Originally uploaded by mommanana