Full of Bull?

Hmmm, the twins are napping and Hunter is sitting in his tent in the living room. There are dozens of things I should/could be doing, but that doesn't motivate me to do them does it? I got my foot x-rayed today and there may be a stress fracture above where I had the seperation break before...peachy! I see the chiropractor on Monday, maybe then this headache will go away! There has been a funky dark cloud hanging over my head for the better part of this week. I am aggravated, tired, depressed. Everything sucks, and I don't have the energy to care.

Yet I have managed to go to my JACKPOTT ( Jax parents of Twins & Triplets) meetings, cook for a family who just had twins, deal with my own family and household, and smile when neccesary. The negative seems to outweigh the positive and all the chamomille tea in the world doesn't seem to help. Maybe it would if I could drown people in it! Ok, OK.. I almost didn't mean that..

It doesn't seem to be just me, there just seems to be so much negative stuff going on. Dori says it is the cycle of the moon and Taurus is coming, which will put things in control.. ( I informed her Brian is Taurus and he is not always in control! And he can stir things up quicker than Pooh sneaking honey from a bee's nest!) Well, get out the red cape and bring the Bull on!

Faerie Alexa

Faerie Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Kierra would love this...Dori created it for her mineral make-up website.

Dollywood 4/13/06

Dollywood
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Aren't they adorable?!

I know.. I started it!

Okay, in case you all don't read the comments.. Aimee says it wasn't her, someone else used her screen name, which gives them even less right to speak for Kierra! (so pass my opinion on to her Aimee, and I guess you should change your password!).. funny I didn't see any other blog or comment where Aimee explained that.. I am not the only one who read the original comment and felt the same way, I would think she would have wanted to clarify that, anyway ... I also have seen other messages and postings from her to Brenda and I think they both need to avoid each other like the plague!.. even on the internet. And this is MY blog, for MY feelings and that is what it is!..if anyone wants to bash whomever, or rant & rave.. start your own blog and go for it! This discussion is .... OVER.

While I am on a roll...

Okay.. I drive a big, red van.. not a mini cooper , or some other tiny car you can't see... I have commented on that a couple times in the past week because people drive like they can't see this big-ass red Nana-van! I even have big purple lettering accross the top of the back window " Road Rage Kills..." then " Remember Kierra Lee Shore 6.9.81-11.13.05" with a fairie on both side rear windows.

Like yesterday when I was rearended on Southside Boulevard. I was taking the twins to lunch after their WIC appointment. This young (25) girl and her friend were in sporty Saturn behind me. I noticed a few times she was following too close, too fast, then would back off. Well, I stopped for a red light .. and she didn't. Her car just banged up my bumper, but tore up her front end. I think she went into and under my bumper. I used my left foot to brace on my brake when I saw her coming too fastand I didn't want to be slammed into the car stopped in front of me, and so now my foot is in major pain, may have a stress fracture ( what an appropriate name!) I go see my Dr. in a couple hours.. The girl didn't bother to ask if we were okay.. she kept saying.. I don't know what happened.. I told her.. you weren't paying attention & you hit me, that's what happened! Now I get to deal with Insurance companies and put my car back in the shop! My life is way too much fun for me!! ( Please note sarcasm!)

Me, annoyed? Go Figure!

Okay, I have been festering something that has grown like a fungus...

On Brenda's blog, there was a comment made in response to Brenda telling about spending the day watching the twins for me a couple months ago.. the comment was that the twin's "REAL MOM" would never have allowed that because Brenda is a danger to children. This mean, intentionally hurtful comment was based on a car accident Brenda had a while back and she had 2 kids she was babysitting in the car. Those kids were not hurt, and the choices, however in error, that Brenda made that night, were based on her fear for the kid's safety as well as her own. That really doesn't matter actually.. what matters is, this spiteful, petty, nasty person... ... does not have a clue what MY daughter would or would not do with her children. Kierra made Brenda the twin's Godmother, and wether or not they always got along, they always resolved any differences. There are alot of fake people in this world, and as with most things that are not genuine, they don't last and can't be trusted to be strong & true. How dare she even begin to presume to speak for Kierra... annoyed probably doesn't quite cover it! (Edited to give Aimee benefit of the doubt that someone else used her screen name.)

More to catch up on..

I am trying to remember things from the past couple weeks and my mind is a blur..

Last Friday I took the twins to Wild Adventures in Valdosta, GA so Alex could see them. It was a hard choice to take them. All in all it was a good day, They didn't know him and Alexa was alot more reserved with him than Tristan was. They played hard and had a blast. They loved the water park. I think Alex was suprised how much they have grown and how much they are their own individual personality. He didn't make any demands or get into any heavy conversations about his intentions, and neither did I. Right now he is preparing to go to Texas for 2 months training, then Iraq for a year.

Kierra's high school boyfriend, James, came by last week too. He just came back from living out in Kansas or Arkansas. He came and visited and played with the kids. It is still very emotional for him. I told him that's ok, it is for me too..

I haven't seen Darnell much lately, he is supposed to call and let me know his days off so we can plan something with the kids. They miss him too. They like to look at a picture I have of Darnell & Kierra where they both have huge smiles on their faces. Alexa points and giggles, Tristan then laughs too. Boy, do I need that laughter!

I am running on emotional empty.. I try to be there/here for everyone, but I notice I have a harder time keeping in touch, and following through with projects I need to get done. I fall asleep on the couch more often than not lately, and wake up there in the wee hours of morning. My house is falling down around me and I don't have the energy to care!

Home again, Home again..

The theory that the kids would sleep if we traveled at night was good, the reality was not! Hunter did sleep good both there and back. Tristan slept an hour or 2 on the way up, but Alexa did not sleep at all, and every stop they wanted out! On the trip home they slept about half way. I don't see another trip like that in our immediate future!

They were off schedule for the first few days home. I still have stuff to unpack and put away! It seems so hectic since we have been back. More so than usual! There have been appointments, problems and just every day life to deal with.

One of those "deal with" things has been Alex, the twin's biological father. He called a few weeks ago and left a message for Kierra. He is in the military, Army I think, and needed a copy of their birth certificates to make them his beneficiaries. He is going to Iraq in August. We had no way to contact him before now and didn't know if he had heard about Kierra's death. I called him back and asked to meet. I couldn't tell him on the phone. I remember hearing it over the phone and had to tell too many people that way. We met in Valdosta, GA. It was a hard, long day. He was very upset. It was hard for him to believe. His own mother died when he was the same age as the twins, so I think it brought all that back to him. I have explained to Brian.. I did this because it was the right thing to do.. period. Despite how I feel about his treatment of Kierra in court last year, and the fact that he has not been providing for his children, he did, at one time, love Kierra. And Kierra loved him. They produced children together. And foremost is what is best for the children. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. There are no absolutes..and for now, Alex had a right to know she was killed. So when does this emotional rollercoaster stop??

Tennessee

The trip was....hmmm.....good? Not bad..not great...not really a break of any sort other than scenery change. it was good to see my Mom & Dad, and my sister Robyn, and her husband, Smitty. But with the kids staying mainly downstairs there wasn't really much chance to socialize as much as I would have liked. Having the kids all sleep with us in the same room made things difficult for putting them to bed as well. Brian got a rude awakening to what it is like to be with the kids 24/7! (haha) Brenda came with us and was a huge help to me. My mom is putting together a book of poetry, so I did some editing for her and got it corrected on the printer's computer in town, then did the final edit before we left. She was sick with walking pneumonia while we were there so they didn't do much with us. We went to Dollywood, the Apple Barn, Smokey Mountain Knifeworks, and ran around town a couple times. The place has grown alot since we lived there. They even have a dayspa up toward Jefferson City.. I was able to get my legs waxed!! Brenda & Brianne goofed off in the front waiting area while I was there! They were like a couple of little kids! It was good for them to have time together. Funny, they had to travel 10 hours away from home to spend time together..

I saw the Gazebo on Easter Sunday, but didn't get the chance to go over to it or spend any time there. Having Kierra all around me made it bittersweet. I saw her and heard her so many times. The day we went to Dollywood I tried to stay in good spirits. I tried not to mention what day it was. Then today I read Brenda's blog about that day, and she had remembered it was the 13th. Neither of us mentioned it to the other, but we both knew.. It doesn't go far even when it does back off a little.. it is always there, waiting, looking for the moment when your mind wanders to something you think is insignificant, some small trivial thing you see or hear, then you think.. Kie would like that, or I bet Kie would think that was funny, I can see & hear her laugh out loud.. then the reminder, then the knowledge is there.... and it sucks!

Playing "Catch-up"

Hunter asked me what I was doing the other day when I was on the computer and sorting through some boxes. I answered "playing catch-up"..he then rambled on for a minute and didn't stop to let me interrupt.. he said:

"Playing with Ketchup?? Why would you play with ketchup? That is for food!.. and if you play with it I will not have any for my french fries.. and ketchup is messy and someone will have to clean that mess up and it will not be me!"

I then explained what I said and what I meant.. but chuckled the whole time! Now how did he know I needed that?

Everywhere..

That is where I see Kierra.. everywhere. We didn't plan this trip to Tennessee solely to avoid the Easter holiday at home, although that is part of it.. we have always enjoyed Tennessee and it is an opportunity for the kids to get away too. And I knew being here the first time since she was killed would bring back alot of memories. She loved it here. We went to Dollywood today and had a good day. I remembered alot of the things we did when Brenda, Kierra, & I came here when she was pregnant. I know Sunday will be the hardest..maybe I knew it would be, but came anyway. Not because of Easter..because Kierra was determined, if she ever got married.. it would be at the Gazebo of my parent's church.. because her Grampa helped build that Gazebo with his own hands, and that is the only place she ever wanted to have her wedding. She knew 2 things for certain. She would be married there and she would dance with her Dad to Butterfly Kisses...and now that day will never come. But Sunday I will go to that church, and see that Gazebo, empty.. with the ghosts of her dreams haunting me.

One more day...

What I wouldn't give.. what I wouldn't say..

just to be given.. one more day.

There wasn't enough time.. or any other way..

to keep you here with me.. one more day..

an unfinished poem.. for an unfinished life..

Tristan CAN Talk!

I knew he could.. but I didn't know how much and was beginning to get concerned. Alexa seems to do all the talking and Tristan whines or grunts and points his finger alot. When that doesn't work, Alexa talks for him. Well today he talked a blue streak!

I decided to take him for a haircut.. no biggie there.. but I decided to take just Tristan. Hunter & Alexa stayed home with Brian. (and they all survived!) Tristan got upset when we first started to pull out of the driveway.. he yelled and cried "No.. Door! (pointing at our front door), No bye-bye, Dunner, Egga!" (Hunter, Lexa). He cried until we reached the shopping center close to our house.

Then he got excited and started pointing at all the cars in the parking lot.."Cars!". Clear as a bell. In the store he waved and told people "Hi!". When he saw something he wanted he said "Pease?" (Please) and when I let him hold something he said "dangoo" (Thank You!). I have been prompting them all to say please and thank you, but this is the first time I have heard Tristan actually say it! To actually say more than a word or so here and there. It was the most I have ever heard him talk. I took him to lunch and he just kept talking.. more "hi" and "Pease", "dangoo" and "more" when he wanted more to eat or drink. He said "eat" when we first walked in. And told the waiter "dangoo" when they brought our food, so he even used it in the right context!

I know it seems I am easily excited, but I was truly concerned about his speech being so much behind Alexa. I am going to rotate giving them one on one time like that. It was strange to only take one of them. I can't recall doing that since they were tiny babies, and it was just to take Tristan to the doctor then.

They are growing so fast.. Alexa was trying to count my rings on my fingers tonight, and although she didn't know how to say the names of the numbers, she was counting in her own language. We are starting on potty training with her. She is not so sure, but she strips and ditches her diaper anytime she wets or messes in them, so it is time! I am outwitting her by putting on her one piece pajamas backwards, she doesn't like it, but so far she can't get out of it! Tristan doesn't seem to care much about it, but maybe Alexa will help get him motivated. Who knows, maybe he will suprise me with that too!

the boys

the boys
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

Big Daddy, Sick Baby, & Broken bones!

Just close your eyes...

One year ago today Brian's Dad, Harry, passed away. It seems hard to believe it has been a year already. I think of he & Kierra when the Brad Paisley/Dolly Parton song.. "When I Get to Where I'm Going", comes on the radio. It talks about getting to heaven, "I'd go walking with my Grampa, and he'll match me pace for pace"...Harry lost both his legs to Diabetes and problems due to an injury many years ago, but if you believe we are all healed in Heaven, he would be walking again.. and then the song says "I'd tell him that I've missed him every minute since he'd left..", Kierra journaled about how much she loved him and how he accepted her with no judgements, and how terribly much she missed him. It was even in one of her very last entries. And then the song says " and then I'll hug his neck". No matter how sick Harry was, or what kind of mood he was in when he was sick, Kie was the first to hug & kiss him no matter what. So I try to believe, despite my anger and my doubts. I try to think of her with Harry, and My neices Ashley, & Mada. With Grammy, Nana & Grampy, and Gramma Post, her Grampa Glover, Nana & Pop Mace, Rick Landeck, and Kristen. Kierra never met a stranger, and loved with her whole heart, I figure that won't change, even now.. I am selfish, I want her here with me. Just as I am sure everyone wants the loved ones they have lost to be back with them. So I do what Hunter says.. and I close my eyes....

The Chaos keeps coming..

From sick babies to broken bones! Tristan & Alexa spent most of the week with the croupy crud, and Alexa had a sinus & ear infection that popped out of no where. Tristan is usually the one with the ear infections. He got the better end of the deal this time. Alexa was a major grump! They are doing much better and seem to be over the worst of it.

Then while out running errands yesterday I got a call from Pre school that Hunter had fallen and after 20 minutes he was still saying his arm & hand really, really hurt. They had iced it and kept him quiet to see what needed to be done. I told them I never underestimate Hunter's injuries anymore and he doesn't usually exagerate pain. I picked him up and went straight to the ER. A buckle fracture of both bones in his forearm. He is in a temporary cast until he sees the Pediatric Orthopedic Specialist on Wednesday. He has had bone density tests done since breaking both his legs in Sept. of 2004. The Doc said the numbers were low, but wasn't concerned. He thought Hunter was just at the fragile point when kids have a growth spurt and their bones are longer and thinner. Then they thicken up and the cycle begins again. Our Pediatrician wants more tests done now because although kids do break bones, they don't tend to get buckle fractures every time. Never a dull moment! So Karate is on hold and he won't go to pre-school til he gets the permanent cast on Wednesday. Needless to say, chaos reigns at my house!

Princess Alexa

Princess Alexa
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

avoiding the carseat! We were leaving the Dr.s office and I was by myself.. they thought it was funny to go in opposite directions.. Tristan headed for the front of the van, Alexa headed for the back!

Tristan Driving

Tristan Driving
Originally uploaded by mommanana.

He trys to be such a big boy!